wCHAP.5a

(6/20/01)

CHAPTER V. A.

INTIMACY AND A SCIENCE OF ETHICS

In an Enlightened Community each person would come to every other person in a spirit of trust. Every other person would also be an Enlightened Person so there would be nothing to fear, no distrust, no feeling of alienation. Persons would rapidly move from first encounter to intimacy in every way satisfactory to and desired by both persons. But that is a far leap from today where many persons live their whole life never experiencing a genuine moment of intimacy!

So how do we move from the reality of today to achieve the vision of the future? As in all things, first we must agree upon the vision and the goal. Excerpts from "In Search of Intimacy,"[1] a valuable book on intimacy, are presented below in the hope that they will help lead us toward procedures to develop an Enlightened Community. In Part B of this chapter additional ideas are presented from studies on the relationship between physical health and intimacy from the BROKEN HEART by James Lynch.

p. 1 & 2[1]: Where are the hermits? "A few years ago, at a national conference on loneliness, a journalist who wanted to write a book about contemporary hermits....[said] that despite considerable effort he couldn't find a single real hermit." All the persons he studied turned out to have friends and associates they traded stories with from time to time.

"A psychiatrist at the conference tried to comfort the journalist by pointing out that many legendary loners hadn't really been isolated either."

RESPONSE: Perhaps, the most relevant question is, "Why have we been led to believe that those who reject society, and choose to live alone have anything of value to teach anyone else?" Certainly every society has much to learn and has many errors that are incorporated into its most fundamental ideas. Perhaps, in the midst of such ignorance, many persons may be willing to grasp any straw in their effort to understand the questions their society doesn't answer.

A true hermit would be someone who has thrown off the essence of their humanity -- their need for human connection. To me the goal is to become congruent with one's own humanity, not to discard it.

In my mind it's a shame the journalist didn't continue and write his book titling it something like WHERE ARE THE HERMITS? This would be a powerful tool for focusing on "the nature of human beings." Done well it could have been another tool for helping current society understand more clearly what is most important and what is least important. Since we currently focus on what is least important (competition, beauty, physical possessions, travel, etc.) a good dose of reality would have to be helpful.

p. 2 & 3: "Surveys show that in any given month at least one in four Americans is lonely."

"Loneliness is... like hunger. Just as hunger signals the body's need for nourishment, loneliness warns us that important psychological needs are going unmet. Loneliness is a healthy hunger for intimacy and community -- a natural sign that we are lacking companionship, closeness, and a meaningful place in the world."

RESPONSE: Good point! Understanding this issue should be a powerful tool in properly focusing one's attention. Too often loneliness becomes a disabling, disempowering feeling because it is not properly interpreted. My guess is that a vast amount of mischief in American society is produced because of a misunderstanding about feelings of loneliness. However, the core issues is what does a person do when they are lonely. This would be a primary function of a CPAW (Center for the Practical Application of Wisdom), to be available in such situations and then help lead the person towards dealing with this effectively and long term.

p. 3: "If you are lonely, you're not unique. And if thirty-five million Americans are lonely each month, the causes cannot come only from within each person; something must be wrong with society itself. We don't have to look far to see some of the causes: widespread mobility (one in five Americans moves each year); a high divorce rate; impersonal, crime-ridden cities; the substitution of television and home videotape-viewing for face-to-face community life; bureaucratic procedures and letter-writing computers that increasingly take the place of personal business transactions."

RESPONSE: So the above is the milieu in which we need to begin constructing structures that lead to the Enlightened Community. They are some of the factors a Wisdom Group must consider in its efforts to set up a CPAW.

p. 4: "Intimacy is attainable. It is, however, more difficult to sustain than in the past, since we no longer have lifelong guarantees of family and community bonds. It requires more effort and more wisdom on the part of individuals."

RESPONSE: Above is part of the reason for the need for developing CPAWs. The reality is that even those who are not lonely, have often avoided the state by paths not in their long term best interest. Examples would be churches where one's individuality, curiosity, and personal needs are submerged in group-think; families where personal development is not encouraged and rules are made by the head of the household; in jobs where one's creative energies are sopped up and then the person is tossed aside at some point in their career; in gangs where one is forced into brutality or other self-destructive behaviors as a condition of membership; etc.

p. 4: "Not everyone is lonely, and loneliness, when it does strike, is usually temporary."

p. 5: "Our inquiry will lead to a deeply rooted need for intimacy that we believe is innate. Loneliness is somewhat different at different stages of life -- during infancy, childhood, adolescence, and old age."

p. 8: "Our survey revealed that almost everyone is lonely from time to time... and are almost as likely to live with other people as to live alone. Many married people are desperately lonely...."

RESPONSE: I would expect that loneliness is not something experienced in a pre-literate society. I would also expect that it would be very rare in an Enlightened Community and when it is experienced it would be easily taken care of in a healthy, fulfilling way.

p. 9: "We found four distinct categories of feelings [of loneliness] ....": Desperation, Impatient Boredom, Self-blame, and Depression.

Desperation, emotional isolation (Sociologist Robert Weiss)
Impatient Boredom, social isolation (Robert Weiss): "...life becomes interesting for most of us only when we invest ourselves in other people." (p. 11)
Self-blame:
Depression:
 

RESPONSE: The foregoing feeling states should be seen as tools in developing a CPAW. To the degree that an individual is in pain they are motivated to eliminate that pain. A CPAW group would eliminate the foregoing pain and in the process lay down a foundation to help the person move toward becoming an Enlightened Person.

p. 14: "One fifth of American households are occupied by solitary individuals...."

"All five types of reasons for loneliness remind us that social forces, not individual shortcomings, are the ultimate cause of widespread loneliness."

RESPONSE: And the goal of a CPAW group is to tackle social forces that prevent the development of an Enlightened Community and create alternatives to dramatically alter society. Through knowledge each person can become aware of the most productive ways to solve their problems. Such knowledge will also allow society to develop the structures persons need to help them solve their problems.

p. 15: "It's clearly possible to be lonely without being alone and alone without being lonely."

p. 18: People do many different things when they are lonely. "The most common reactions are watching television, reading, listening to music, and calling a friend."

"We have concluded from studying lonely people that some of their reactions are much more helpful than others. Solitary television viewing -- the most common diversion -- seems to be almost as destructive as solitary drinking or pill taking, for example. Other, more active forms of solitude, such as reading and letter or journal writing, contributes to personal strength, self-awareness, and creativity. Establishing intimate ties with others is even more helpful. Since loneliness reflects a need for intimacy, friendship, or community, remedies that don't include these provisions won't work."  

RESPONSE: And, in addition to watching TV, reading, listening to music, and calling a friend, people also jog. The latter apparently produces endorphins that combat loneliness. Although jogging may be inherently more valuable than TV, it is no more likely to lead one toward good mental health -- towards intimacy -- except to the degree that it brngs one nto contact with other people.

p. 18: "Without intimate relationships and meaningful, shared projects, human existence is hollow indeed."  

RESPONSE: The foregoing sums it all up very well.

p. 20: "...Desmond Morris suggests, sexual intimacy between adults involves a kind of exploratory touching and caressing that is also apparent in mother-infant play."

RESPONSE: All things to help persons achieve sexual intimacy need to be developed and promoted. For most persons this would be the most satisfying and sustaining activity they are involved in.

p. 21 & 22: Bob Werner (a 45 year old commercial artist) when interviewed with Laura, his wife of 16 years said, "We still have that original 'in love' feeling. It comes and it goes, but its very strong at times." What is the feeling? "That we are together, beyond normal limits. We have no doubts, no fears...in an odd way, we are one unit -- two parts fused into one....At those times, I come away from Laura energized. I have the courage to try things that otherwise might frighten me. It's as if no one can hurt me, no one can bring me down."

"You said the feeling comes and goes. What does that mean?" "Well, there are times when I don't like her as much, when we're no longer on the same wavelength. In fact, sometimes I look at her and think 'God, what am I doing with this woman?' It happens much less than it did at first. In the early years of our marriage we called this feeling 'the blahs.' For me, it would seem that my attraction to her, the excitement of it, had vanished into thin air."  

RESPONSE: The area of romantic intimacy is a very important area. See Chapter VII.B.1, "You're Not What I Expected: Love After the Romance Ends," by Polly Young-Eisendrath and Chapter VI ("Love and a Science of Ethics") for other ideas on this topic.

p. 24: "Women are the undisputed intimacy specialists in our society. Men used to be soldiers, breadwinners, and family protectors; women were, instead, warm, nurturant, caring companions and mothers."

RESPONSE: But in an Enlightened Community each person will be a specialist on intimacy. Perhaps, a well-focused study of women and their history will help us to achieve this goal.

p. 26: "In a probing study, psychologists at Michigan's Institute for Social Research recently documented the 'reduced integration of American adults into the social structure.' 'Social organization, social norms, the adaptation to and successful performance of social roles all seem to have lost some of their power to provide people with meaning, identity elements, satisfaction....Related to this thinning of the social commitment and social investment, we note an increased sensitivity to interpersonal relations -- a desire for friendship, warm relationships at work and in the family, a desire for personal impact in everyday encounters.'"

RESPONSE: And this desire for intimacy is the drive behind producing a Science of Ethics that can help produce an Enlightened Community made up of Enlightened Persons where each person is totally connected to their community.

p. 28: "Between five and twelve months of age, infants form an emotional attachment to... primary caretakers, and secondary attachments to less frequent companions.... When infants beyond that age are separated from... [the primary caretaker] they become extremely upset. If separation is prolonged, they go through three stages, two of which are identical to ones observed in infant monkeys. The first stage is protest, a mixture of terror and anger that usually assures mother's reappearance if she is within earshot. The infant cries, wails, and thrashes about. After exhausting itself in protest, the child enters a period of despair. It seems listless and uninterested in the world -- in a word, depressed. But if mother returns while the infant is despairing, the child will light up and happily cling to her. If she doesn't appear for days or weeks, the human child (unlike a monkey) will no longer seem attached to her. Even if she returns, the child shows little interest and exhibits what psychologists call detachment. The child appears not even to remember its mother and seems almost deliberately cool and aloof."

"This important sequence, from protest to despair to detachment, characterizes people's reaction to separation all through life."

RESPONSE: I was not aware of this sequence. It would seem to have great importance to those who would attempt to build an Enlightened Community. The foregoing needs to be understood in much more detail and depth. It may even have implications for understanding psychopathic personality disorders.

p. 31: "The conflict between the desire for oneness with a loving, protective parental figure and the desire for freedom from social restrictions and entanglements lasts a lifetime."

"The corresponding prototypes of ideal community are the family and the small town."

RESPONSE: As I've indicated in many places I do not accept the idea that a conflict between the individual and society is natural. I think rather any conflict comes out of the situation where there is not an Enlightened Community. As a result any conflict comes out of real issues that need to be changed. And this conflict is how we learn what needs to be changed in both the society and the individual.

p. 36: "Although we thought we were part of the community, psychologically speaking, it was also 'in' and part of us. Those were our friends, our plans, our homes, our favorite streets and stores, churches and restaurants. If they vanish or we move away, part of ourselves is diminished."

"Equating inner and outer emptiness is part of our tendency to confuse inner and outer symbols of the self. 'I' am both a unique person, with a set of special experiences and feelings, and a social object -- a filler of roles, a member of a team. The individual and communal sides of ourselves are, in reality, inseparable. Anything that damages or reduces my public self and its setting also takes something away from the unique me. This is why, each time we move or our outside world changes, we feel diminished, bereft, robbed of something 'inside.' In the midst of war, urban renewal, or drastic change, we feel empty, lonely."  

RESPONSE: The "I" of any given individual is certainly related in very direct ways to the environment in which it forms. This is why there is hope that Enlightened Persons might actually be produced. But how the "I" is influenced by moving out of or around in one's community depends on numerous facts. These effects might be beneficial or harmful depending on the facts. Nevertheless, an Enlightened Person requires an Enlightened Community. Without it they cannot become an Enlightened Person nor achieve a SFLIHM (a Sustainable Feeling that their LIfe Has Meaning). And an Enlightened Community supports those things necessary to sustain the SFLIHM state.

p. 43: "...few of us are autonomous at any age, if autonomy means going it completely alone. We can function independently for a while, but do so comfortably only when we are certain that social support will be available if needed. In this sense, adults are similar to children....Everyone needs someone to give a damn."

RESPONSE: The above is the definition of a CPAW. Social support is there to whatever degree it is needed. And on this basis the individual can build a mature, confident, secure, wholesome life.

p. 43: "The clingy and the detached, suffer from an underlying lack of self-confidence and trust, and both are prone to chronic loneliness."

p. 44: "Lonely students...disclose either too much or too little about themselves, causing their partners to withdraw uncomfortably."

p. 45: "Even mild forms of rejection can lead to the formation of self-destructive mental models and behavior patterns."

RESPONSE: And that is why it is so important to ensure that each child is raised in an environment that can best help them become an Enlightened Person.

p. 58: "'Solitude skills' are just as important and just as educable as social skills, and both are buffers against loneliness all through life."

RESPONSE: To help one become an Enlightened Person obviously they must be helped to experience being alone. They need the sense of self presence such that being by oneself is not always seen as an unendurable hurt, but usually as an opportunity for creative, enjoyable activity.

p. 63: "A nationally representative survey of Americans eighteen and over found that younger people were least happy, least positive about their lives, and most likely to describe life as hard.... [N]egative feelings predominated: loneliness, boredom, depression, and emotional upset.... [A]nother study of a large group of ten-to-eighteen-year-olds found that over half were lonely -- a much greater proportion than in a similar survey of adults."

p. 79: "In a study of undergraduates at the University of Pennsylvania, psychologists found that 78 percent of the students suffered from at least one symptom of depression each year; in addition, almost half became intensely depressed."

RESPONSE: The above issue must lie at the core of a the concerns of a Science of Ethics and be addressed at the earliest possible moment. Building an Enlightened Community means addressing issues such as these in more effective ways.

p. 78: "Since most adolescents don't quite know how to maintain intimate friendships, they value popularity. This is unfortunate, because popularity is, by definition, in short supply, while friendship, mutual self-disclosure, and emotional support are potentially available to everyone."

"Our surveys show that loneliness is related more to intimacy than popularity. Although young respondents (18 to 25) socialized more than people in any other age group -- 13 hours a week -- they reported the fewest close friends, and almost half considered themselves slightly, moderately, or very unhappy. A frantically busy social life is no guarantee against loneliness."

RESPONSE: This is the kind of wisdom adults must pass on to our children. Infants are born in ignorance. They are not born knowing. They depend on us to learn how society and the world works. Of course they also depend on us to develop the social organizations that will help them meet their needs in a way that moves them toward becoming their own best self.

My observations lead me to believe that human beings start out as totally immersed in the need for intimacy and as they grow and develop require less and less intimacy to feel okay. It is the family's children who find all the other kids in the neighborhood. Many parents only get to know their neighbors through their kids.

p. 79: "Surveys reveal that the major accomplishment of each decade between eighteen and fifty... is 'feeling a new, firm sense of identity'.... new changes challenge us and demand new aspects of identity."

RESPONSE: The above indicates that the "I" does not change as smoothly and easily as we have been led to believe. Since adapting to our new "I" has such importance this issue deserves more thought and effort. People need help to understand the true nature of their "I" so they are prepared for the changes. Especially help is needed to develop one's "I" in the most effective ways available. (See VOLUME I, Chapter Two discussion of the "I.")

p. 80: Lonely -- looking for love vs. looking for friendships.  

RESPONSE: Looking for love is like looking for happiness. Both come when we have created the environment that makes them possible. Friendship means connection with the bigger society. This is essential for any who would seek to develop their own best self. At the same time that bigger society must provide the tools to help one understand affiliative love, and to find it as they are ready for it. Also, members need guidance in order to most effectively support the positive aspects of their society and diminish the negative aspects. Part of society's responsibility is to develop processes to help each individual do the things that bring happiness (or more properly a SFLIHM). Part of the foregoing would involve connecting with individuals most likely to share intimacy and even love. See Chapter VII.

p. 83: "The most dangerous consequences of adolescent and young adult loneliness is suicide. In the late 1970s, suicide attempts were more common among people in their early twenties than in any other age group, and suicides among 15-to 24-year-olds rose at an unprecedented rate."  

RESPONSE: Of course the above provides evidence that large numbers of our youth are not being provided a FLIHM. This is a challenge of major proportions and requires the effort of each CPAW as it is established. All persons must feel connected to their society if they are to live most fully. However, youth are particularly vulnerable to this deficiency, since they have less experience on how to fit a brief period of loneliness into a context.

p. 84: "Short of suicide, there are many ways to dull the pain of separateness and isolation. One is to use drugs or alcohol."

"Perhaps the most dangerous substitute for intimacy and community is....Television...."

RESPONSE: And use of the above escapes and others with the same effect demonstrates the deficiency of the given person's world view (belief system). These are the individuals who should be attracted to a CPAW if it is functioning properly.

p. 86: "Loneliness is a natural part of adolescence and young adulthood and few young people avoid it entirely. Their goal should be not to blot it out entirely, but to cope with it effectively and learn social and solitude skills that will enhance life for years to come."  

RESPONSE: My guess is that adolescence and young adulthood do in fact have some special challenges. However, young people will not take extreme measures such as reliance on drugs, excitement, TV, etc. to deal with their special challenges unless their environment is grossly unsatisfactory. The widespread existence of juvenile problems indicates to me that vast changes need to be introduced into current society to effectively impact the foregoing issues.

p. 89: "Love...is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives." Bertrand Russell

RESPONSE: "Escape from loneliness" at its core means achieving a FLIHM. Love of a special person, and others is a key ingredient, but there is much more as Russell demonstrated in his own life and as the Ways of Wisdom indicate.

p. 90: "In studying men from the Harvard classes of 1939 to 1944, now middle aged, psychiatrist George Vaillant identified thirty men as 'best outcomes' and found that all had been happily married for at least ten years. They also had close friends. Only 3 percent were in poor health, and almost none had seen a psychiatrist during the previous year. The thirty worst outcomes, on the other hand, tended to be divorced and friendless. They had made an average of 150 trips to the psychiatrist within a year, and 50 percent suffered from poor health. More than half were heavy users of alcohol or tranquilizers. Marriage and friendship, not income or profession, were the keys to health and happiness."

RESPONSE: Marriage and friendship are important, but being able to achieve them requires certain beliefs, experiences, and assistance. Examining these beliefs and experiences means using the empirical process to clarify the effects of beliefs on those who hold them. The foregoing process is the essence of a Science of Ethics and what this book is about. Until this element is introduced we are focused on the wrong part of the problem. Persons who conduct research such as Vaillant and don't explore beliefs expose the limitations of their own understanding about what is important.

p. 91: "Symptoms of depression: lack of enthusiasm, poor appetite, feeling bored or uninterested, loss of interest in sex, trouble falling or staying asleep, crying easily, feeling downhearted or blue, feeling low in energy or slowed down, feeling hopeless about the future, thinking of suicide, and feeling lonely."  

RESPONSE: Above is a superb enumeration of those things on the opposite end of the spectrum from a FLIHM.

The perpetuation of the human species depends on producing individuals who live congruent with their social nature. What happens when an individual fails in their requirement to live as part of a group? In order to maintain the species some mechanism had to evolve to reduce the likelihood that such persons would reproduce and perpetuate their genes. I propose that depression that leads to suicide is nature's way of solving this problem.

p. 92: "The formerly married are more likely than the married to be psychiatric patients and to commit suicide. The married also seem to be healthier and have a lower death rate than comparable unmarried people."

RESPONSE: Committing suicide normally indicates a lack of a FLIHM. Being a psychiatric patient also frequently results from pain associated with a lack of a FLIHM. It is my contention that a FLIHM is a feeling state based on beliefs. When one's beliefs conflict with, or do not serve one's needs as a human being the individual is forced into a distressed state that can easily lead to suicide. One basic human need is nurturing contact with other people. However, in our society this state is sufficiently difficult to achieve that some persons only approximate it as a result of the love of one other person -- their mate. When such a relationship is lacking, inadequate, or ends -- particularly if one does not have a support group of other individuals -- the person is ripe for experiencing unendurable pain. In the absence of nurturing love, it would be much harder to achieve good health and an active life.

p. 109: "Ultimately, only social connections bring a person out of loneliness."

RESPONSE: And it is this thought we should hold firmly in our mind when starting a Wisdom Group.

p. 116: "In every city we studied, loneliness declined with age....People over sixty have higher self-esteem than young adults and a firmer sense of identity."

p. 117: "In one of the most extensive studies [of old age] to date, psychologists interviewed 2,500 people sixty-five and older in Denmark, Great Britain, and the United States. They hoped to discover the 'exact life conditions' of the elderly in industrial societies. They found, in all three countries, that 'relatively few old people feel lonely often.' Only 9 percent of elderly Americans said they were often lonely (7 percent of the British; 4 percent of the Danish). Fewer than 4 percent (in all three countries) lived alone and had seen no one for over a week."  

RESPONSE: The foregoing might provide evidence that persons do, in fact, get wiser as they get older (at least in terms of that which is of most importance to them). However, it also probably results because those who have not mastered the skill of intimacy either die of disease, kill themselves, or let someone else do it before reaching old age.

p. 128: "Although we found, generally speaking, that older people were not particularly lonely, about 10 percent of our older respondents were."

"Regardless of whether these lonely older people were emotionally or socially isolated, their loneliness was usually due to some kind of loss : recent death of a spouse, recent retirement, declining health (loss of health and vitality), or lowered standard of living (loss of freedom and financial independence). Elderly widows and widowers, just like their younger counterparts, feel lonely, anxious, and depressed for more than a year after the death of their spouse. This by itself probably explains the loneliness of most old people who are lonely. For a few it involves the simultaneous loss of friends, recognition, and purpose. Perhaps worst of all is the combination of poor health and low income, circumstances which leave many older people with few resources -- especially for making friends."  

RESPONSE: And these facts should also provide guidance for programs of a CPAW.

p. 130: "Work gives structure and meaning to most people's daily life...."  

RESPONSE: Work is the way most persons fulfill the Fifth Way of Wisdom: Seek to advance humanity. The more clearly one's work has this element, the more likely it is to help provide a FLIHM. But even the worst job normally ties one into society. When one retires they often totally lose this element from their activities. However, there is also the social nature of work -- its possible prestige value in society, the money it brings to use in satisfying ways, etc.

p. 134: "...the personality of an elderly person is a natural outgrowth of his or her youthful personal style. This is why, earlier in this book, we stressed the importance of learning intimacy -- enhancing, loneliness-avoiding skills early in life. People who master these skills in youth are better equipped for later stages of life."  

RESPONSE: And it is for the foregoing reason that these kinds of skills would be part of the training of an Enlightened Person. Mastering these capacities would be an essential part of achieving a SFLIHM state. These skills would then become part of the tools to help build and/or maintain an Enlightened Community. Only an Enlightened Community would be willing and able to provide the resources and planning necessary to allow an ever increasing number of persons to achieve a SFLIHM.

p. 136: "Every contented old person we interviewed had a similar philosophy: Be active, don't wallow in self-pity, help others. Their punchline was always 'Get Involved!'"

RESPONSE: And of course this describes key elements of an Enlightened Person. Those who have not been helped to learn how to be effectively involved with other people will always stand in the way of their own achievements.

p. 140: "We all long for and need a community; a network of friendships and engaging social activities."

p. 145: "Actually, any community, religious or not, requires faith, sacrifice, and commitment.... But studies of communal groups indicate that community membership, if its benefits are to last, must demand a great deal from members in return.... Without strong commitment from members, a community quickly disintegrates, leaving each member alone again."  

RESPONSE: And a Wisdom Group must ensure that it masters this requirement without falling into the trap of exploiting its members and wasting their best talents in the process.

p. 166: "If you need new friends and a stronger sense of community, you'll have to work for them.... Wherever you are, there are potential friends available; there is a community you can join or one you can help to create."  

RESPONSE: And the foregoing is especially true of Wisdom Groups and CPAWs. They need every ounce of energy available from persons who want to build something good and lasting while they achieve their maximum potential and good feelings.

p. 178: "Sad passivity includes sleeping, doing nothing, drinking, overeating, taking tranquilizers, watching television, and 'getting stoned' alone -- none of which is likely to solve personal problems or promote either intimacy or community. People in our studies who responded to loneliness with sad passivity were especially prone to intense, prolonged loneliness, depression, and poor health."

p. 179: "[The above things]...don't raise self-esteem, build social skills, or encourage intimacy; therefore, they do not alleviate loneliness."

"This link [of Sad Passivity with Self-Blame and Depression], bolstered by interviews with lonely people who were also depressed, suggests that sad passivity is part of a downward spiral leading from emotional and social isolation to depression and illness."  

RESPONSE: Helping persons understand the foregoing and providing the tools to aid them in overcoming these patterns must be a prime goal of a CPAW.

p. 199: "Loneliness is often viewed as a symptom of depression, the nation's number one mental health problem....But in our opinion, loneliness and depression aren't identical and shouldn't be equated."

RESPONSE: Rubenstein and Shaver help clarify the relationship between loneliness and intimacy. I would agree that loneliness and depression are not identical, but it seems that loneliness must lead to depression if ways are not found to achieve sufficient intimacy.

p. 201: Rubenstein and Shaver discuss THE BROKEN HEART: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, by James Lynch. It is a very good book. As a result relevant ideas from it are presented in Section B of this Chapter because of its importance for a Science of Ethics.

p. 205 - 206: "Americans are resilient. We are active problem solvers and always have been. We are accustomed to change, and even to redefining what it is that needs changing. At one time the issue was settling a geographical frontier; now we have occupied and tamed the entire country. The frontier that faces us is now social and psychological rather than geographical. We are, in a very real sense, social pioneers."

"What we must do, then, is to actively build the kinds of relationships and communities that gratify our needs and make sense to us. Surely this is a challenge worthy of social pioneers."

"Psychological research tells us a great deal about the kinds of people who will pioneer successfully. They are, in the words of several psychologists, hardy and stress resistant. They have an identifiable set of attitudes toward life -- an openness to change, a feeling of involvement in whatever they are doing (most of which is social), and a sense of control over events despite rapid change. We know from our studies that such people are infrequently lonely and able to overcome loneliness when it does strike. They know how to use solitude creatively and constructively; they are able to commit themselves to close relationships and community projects."

"Quite possibly, being able to love others and take part in a community is the most important component of mental and physical health. In George Vaillant's longitudinal study, which we have mentioned, he divided his middle-aged subjects into three groups, the Friendly, the Lonely, and those in between. Friendly meant: getting married without getting divorced, achieving at least ten years of marriage that 'neither partner perceived as outright painful,' fathering or adopting children, having one or more close friends, and enjoying regular recreation with nonfamily members. Lonely meant meeting only one or two of these criteria. Vaillant concluded: 'Of all the ways that I subdivided the ninety-five healthy men [in his study], the dichotomy between the twenty-seven Friendly and the thirteen Lonely proved the most dramatic.' It corresponded with vast differences in mental and physical health, for example, and in ability to enjoy life. 'Perhaps the biggest difference between the Friendly and the Lonely was that the Lonely were more frightened.'"

"It is frightening indeed to be open to change, committed to uncertain interpersonal relationships and group ventures, asserting control over rapidly shifting events. But these are the requirement of life on the new social frontier, and many have already proved equal to them. The 'successful' pioneers aren't free of troubles, of course; all are scarred, as those on any frontier tend to be. But they are alive, healthy, and eager to carry on."

"Without intimacy -- emotional openness and closeness -- and without friendship and community, their vitality would wither and their lives would become either terrifyingly meaningless or depressingly dull. These pioneers are not loners and do not wish to be."

"The price all of us have paid for greater freedom and independence is the risk of greater loneliness, not the certainty of it. The gamble can, with effort and wisdom, be won. Intimacy, community, and chronic loneliness are still matters of choice for most Americans. To everyone who has energy, creativity, and faith to invest in love and community, the possibilities, the potential projects and partners, are there."  

RESPONSE: And for me this is the essence of a Science of Ethics. Americans have something unique to offer the world. They have experimented with individualism and minimal participation in community. Now we can see that a synthesis is needed that joins these factors in ways never tried before on this earth. With the proper vision to guide us we have the experience and knowledge necessary to build an Enlightened Community made up of Enlightened Persons.

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1. IN SEARCH OF INTIMACY, Carin Rubenstein and Phillip Shaver, Delacorte Press, New York, 1982.