wchap.7a

(3/28/01)

CHAPTER VII -- A

ROMANTIC LOVE AND A SCIENCE OF ETHICS

Affiliative love lies at the core of my ideas about a SFLIHM (Sustainable Feeling that one's LIfe Has Meaning). But what is affiliative love? Ideas on affiliative love have been explored from many different angles. However, most of them are not useful to, or compatible with a Science of Ethics. Traditionally affiliative love has meant romantic love: i.e., "chemistry," passion, lust, fairy tale princess and prince who live happily ever after. As discussed in Section B, it turns out that the images of these things we see in the other, come out of our own projections and normally are not able to hold up under the steady barrage of real life input. One approach that would appear to justify further exploration and study comes out of the research of John Alan Lee [1]. An analysis of his book and dialogue with Lee's writing follows.

"At some stage in almost everyone's life, finding a satisfying love relationship becomes more important than anything else. When that time comes we're not usually interested in studying the problem of love. We just want to find the right person to be in love with."

"But finding a suitable love match has never been more difficult. We enjoy greater diversity of life styles than existed in any previous generation....All these social conditions have tended to reduce our chances of finding a love partner whose life style and personality are close to our own."

"Even if we find someone suitable, he or she is not likely to be the same kind of person twenty years from now, and neither are we....In an age of social change...it is hardly surprising that married couples grow tired of each other and seek new partners."(p. 1) [1]

RESPONSE: It seems to me that the foregoing need not be true. If we can assemble a better understanding of what role an affiliate love should play in a given person's life then we might provide assistance to help each person find and maintain such a relationship. It is certainly possible that some people will never want to maintain a permanent relationship. It is also possible that many people will need to change lovers over the course of their life because of changes that take place that make it undesirable to stay in that particular relationship. However, having said all that, it still seems to me that the goal of a Science of Ethics should be (at least initially) to determine what individuals need to know in order to maintain a relationship as a growing, developing, nurturing, sustaining thing.

In order to do this we not only need to have the goal, we must be able to focus the resources to learn how to do this. See Chapter VII-B for ideas focused on this issue. This would be part of the education and training provided in a CAW (Center for the Application Wisdom).

"Most people have at least an unconscious list of some important qualities they would like in an ideal mate...."(p. 2)

RESPONSE: And this image of the ideal mate is part of the problem. Where does it come from? All the sources lead back to ignorance, immaturity, misunderstanding, "tribal" propensities, and such. The only way the concept of an ideal mate can be useful within the context of a Science of Ethics is if it is used to focus our knowledge, perfect our theories, gather relevant data, and come up with something that has wisdom behind it.

p. 2: "Few of us realize how poor our chances are of even coming close to our ideal. To illustrate, the reader could make a short list of the five most important qualities he or she would like in an ideal mate."

The following formula can than be used to determine the likelihood of finding such a person: "a x b = c; c x d = e; e x f = g; g x h = k."

RESPONSE: By way of explanation the above letters represent appropriate percentages. For example, suppose John is looking for a female (a), Caucasian (b), who is thin (d), beautiful (f), and an atheist (h).

If a = 50% of the population and b = 80% of the indicated population, then c = .4. If d = 25% then e = .10. If f = 5% of the relevant population then g = .005. If h = 3% then k = .00015, or 1 out of 6,667 women.

If you live in a community of 5,000 persons, will you find happiness? Even in a community of 100,00 persons, what is the chance that any of these 15 beautiful, thin, atheistic, female, Caucasians in the general population is going to be looking for a partner and will find you to be the partner they're looking for? Worse yet, what are the odds that you will actually meet this beautiful, thin, atheistic, female Caucasian who is looking for a partner and would consider you as a satisfactory choice? If you meet one new woman every day, that is 365 women per year. It might take you some 18 years to meet your "ideal mate." But if you have other criteria such as liking to dance, desire for stimulating conversation, interest in getting married, want four children, etc. the odds drop out of sight. Some traits are easier to find than others. If dancing is a high priority, go where dancers hang out. But how do you determine traits that involve concerns, beliefs, quirks, etc.? In the current world there's no substitute for spending time together. Getting to know each other. With these kinds of odds this is a crazy way to utilize scarce resources like time and energy.

It is this reality that should motivate us to look at the issue from a bigger perspective. Part of this would be to gain a better understanding of what we should be looking for in a relationship. And another part of a bigger perspective might be to develop better tools to achieve our goals. It seems to me that computer matching is an obvious tool that needs to be further developed and more widely utilized. See Chapter XIX, "The Knowledge Bank and an Enlightened Community," for more ideas on this.

p. 3-4: Perhaps, the best place to start is to clarify what we mean by "love." "Numerous authors have recognized that there are different kinds of love in terms of object of loving: mother love; love of a pet, love of God, for example. In this sense, I am concerned with only one kind of love, the mating or affiliative love we usually associate with marriage or... 'romance'....I will call this kind 'affiliative love'...."

RESPONSE: Lee's model of affiliative styles of love is laid out in Model One below. But here are the key terms using his names:

1. There are three primary love styles:

a. Mania, b. Agape (rhymes with what-a-day), c. Pragma

2. There are six secondary styles of love:

a. Ludus (rhymes with Brutus), b. Storge (rhymes with more gay), c. Eros, d. Storgic-Ludus, e. Storgic-Eros, f. Ludic-Eros.

p. 3-4: "What I hope to demonstrate in this study is that affiliative love can itself be divided into different types, and that each of these has an equal claim to be called love....definitions of love range all the way from mere sublimated sexual lust to a sort of excess of friendship."

RESPONSE: And what I hope to examine by studying Lee's research, is whether some affiliative love styles are in fact more appropriate to achieving a SFLIHM than others. Is there a model of affiliative love appropriate for an Enlightened Person?

p. 4-5: "The idea that there are different but equally valid kinds of affiliative love is difficult to grasp and runs counter to much of the basic religion and philosophy of Western culture."

RESPONSE: And possibly for good reason!

p. 6: "Our problem is partly one of language. We have only one term for affiliative love, and one phrase, 'I love you,' for expressing it. Terms like affection, fondness, passion and desire are not synonymous with love but merely components of it. Because there is only one word for love, we tend to think of love as having only one true or real nature."

"The ancient Greeks and Romans...[made] provisions in their language for several conceptions of affiliative love."

RESPONSE: By clarifying the different ways to love, Lee provides a way to explore the merits of each approach, even though this was not his goal.

p. 7: "This book uses a study of the literature of love and the actual experience of ordinary lovers in order to demonstrate the different natures of affiliative love, to define each different type and give each type a name."

RESPONSE: And assembling these names and definitions seems to be a critically important step. It is only with this tool that we might begin to more usefully understand love and assemble ways to help individuals achieve what they truly need rather than what they think they need. It is this step that makes Lee's efforts of seminal value.

p. 8: "...I hope this book will eventually reduce the confusion by laying the foundation for a scientific, workable theory of love."

p. 10: "How many kinds [of love]?....I propose to stop at twelve kinds, though I indicate six more for further exploration."

p. 11: "...I will use phrases like 'manic lover,' and 'manic love,' but if I were always completely accurate I would have to say 'a way of loving which, at the time of observation, included ideas and behavior that I have chosen, for purposes of comparison with contrasting ideas and behaviour, to lump together under the general label mania!"

"The ideal types must be based on systematic, detailed observation of actual experiences of love."

RESPONSE: This goal of systematic, detailed observation is another factor in Lee's favor. See Lee's page 232 for his analysis of six hypothetical primary types of love drawn from literature.

See Lee's page 237 for statements relating his love styles to respondent's beliefs.

p. 18: Participants in Lee's study were not randomly selected. "Instead they are divided into quotas along what seemed to me the most important sociological distinctions for experience of love: sex, age and social class."

"I'm not so sure the typology would work outside of the Anglo-Saxon culture."

RESPONSE: Lee has characterized styles of affiliative love modeled in Western literature and emulated in the lives of our citizens. These models correlate with the philosophy and religion of our culture and the flexibility of human social behavior. But if we are to have an Enlightened Community made up of Enlightened Persons built on a Science of Ethics, a new world must dawn. We must see affiliative love from a new perspective with new goals.

Lee's efforts could be very helpful in clarifying the best directions to move.

p. 22: "...there are three primary kinds of love, and each of these can be paired with another in two ways: to produce a compound, or to produce a mixture."

p. 23: "This chart [Chart One -- below] gives a fixed description of a process which is actually in constant motion. A lover may begin a relationship with actions and ideas about loving which are identified as predominantly typical of a certain kind of love, for example, storge. But in response to a partner whose ways of thinking and acting in love are predominantly ludic, they may be drawn into altering their approach to love so that they become more typical of storgic ludus than of 'pure' storge. In time, with a number of experiences, they may become a typical ludic lover. Then, for the first time, an encounter with a typically erotic lover may open a whole new concept of loving to them....[or in] two concurrent love relationships, in each of which the lover relates quite differently to their partner; in such cases the lover occupies different positions 'on the chart' according to which partner is discussed."

RESPONSE: It seems to me that the above is a very critical thing to consider since it implies that styles of affiliative love have a critical cultural dimension -- that a person's particular style at any give moment is dependent on their knowledge, their psychological state, what's happening around them, their experience, etc. This means that we could best see styles of love as a way to help a given individual understand what they are doing, get some feel for why this is the case, learn other options, and how to achieve them. Although there must be some innate human needs at the core of love, it would appear that these needs might be satisfied in many different ways. These different ways can be studied empirically and evaluated as to better and worse, satisfying and less satisfying, etc.

CHART ONE

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p. 34: Eros: "Those lovers spoke of delight in the smell, skin surface, hair texture, musculature, body proportions and other physical aspects of the partner."

RESPONSE: This sounds like it would be "Sensors" using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

p. 37: "Of the three primary kinds of love, eros is the only one with an all-or-nothing attitude....If a would-be-erotic lover meets a partner who comes close to their physical ideal but lacks some important quality, they may attempt to remold the partner to their ideal image...."

RESPONSE: But if we interpret style of love as dependent upon a specific partner and stage of development, it seems clear that one's "non-negotiable demands" have a large component of ignorance. The person concerned about their own best interests should be open to re-interpreting their image of the "ideal person" in many different ways. And some of these ways should be more satisfactory than others. What is needed is good data to help each person make the choices that will be most likely to serve their true needs and their long term best interests. Empirical study seems to be the only way this data can be accumulated and tied into useful tools to help a given person make the most satisfactory choices possible in each case.

p. 40: "If eros is to endure, the impetus of the initial attraction must be harnessed, not exhausted. Successful erotic lovers among my respondents achieved this by first expanding the basis of sensual intimacy."

"A successful erotic approach to love must include a willingness to reveal yourself to your partner openly and unashamedly, to express your feelings with great honesty, and to elicit a similar response from your partner. In time, this personal rapport cements the relationship after the original physical intensity has levelled off."

RESPONSE: It seems to me that without this element any relationship cannot be considered as satisfactory for one whose goal is to become a Wise Person and to help create an Enlightened Community.

p. 47: Eros: "In a sense fidelity was the price these erotic lovers exacted for taking the risk of open intimacy and surrender to a partner."

RESPONSE: And this kind of intimacy and surrender would seem to be the goal of love between persons seeking to be Enlightened Persons.

p. 48: "Almost by definition, the ecstacy of eros is not an experience which can be maintained at the intense level of its first few weeks or months. Eventually, you must emerge from ecstacy and return to the world. Thus, a more or less pure eros is likely to become weakened over time unless strengthened by combination with small proportions of ideas and actions more typical of ludus or storge."

RESPONSE: And these are the kinds of lessons that must be taught if we are to help individuals find lasting and fulfilling love relationships.

p. 50: "Truly confident persons can afford to surrender themselves because they do not fear what others might do. The ego strength of the successful erotic lover is not boastful or vain, but is serenely strong. They are aware that they can survive getting hurt, and can therefore take risks. They can afford to let down their defenses because their strength lies in a deep inner core. At the same time, they can enjoy intimacy without overwhelming or compelling their beloved."

RESPONSE: Sounds desirable and worth working toward achieving. The above would be part of the definition of an Enlightened Person. All who would follow the models that make up a Science of Ethics should achieve this state.

p. 51: "...the disappointed erotic lover will probably remain aware that he or she has settled for less than the ideal."

RESPONSE: But as previously indicated "settled for less than the ideal" usually means taking a poorly formed meaning of ideal. If one has a fairy tale definition of ideal, or one unrealistic in any other way, they are prevented from achieving success. This is the essential spot where more knowledge is needed to help the individual see through the distractions and erroneous ideas to what is truly needed. Also this would help each person find in the other what they actually need rather than giving up a nurturing, satisfying relationship in the search for some unachievable perfection. In today's world we all pick up a variety of crazy ideas about what a relationship is and what it requires. We need better models to guide both partners through problems, misunderstandings, erroneous ideas, immaturity, etc. When such models exist then individuals can be helped to avoid being mislead by ideas of the ideal and in the process lose the opportunity for a joyful, productive life with love and satisfaction.

p. 53: "The erotic lover is typified by an acute awareness of physical beauty which is much less specified and demanding in the ludic lover, and almost entirely absent or unexpressed in the storgic lover."

RESPONSE: And as indicated above this seems like an area that would benefit from having more data, and more wisdom to bring to bear on the matter. To be fixated on a limited, superficial characteristic, such as physical beauty seems self-defeating. Presumably, as one moves toward becoming an Enlightened Person, this aspect of their belief system would be expanded to help them fulfil their true needs.

p. 55: "...the further away the partner is located from the eros primary, the greater difficulty of a mutual understanding of what true affiliative love is. Thus, pragma and storgic ludus are the antithesis of eros."

RESPONSE: Of course the challenge here is to provide sufficient resources first to clarify if these two persons do in fact have the characteristics to permit them to develop in the direction of mutual satisfaction and if they do, to learn how to do so. See Chapter VIII for additional ideas on this point.

p. 57: "The ludic lover refuses to become dependent on any beloved, or allow any beloved to become overly attached to them. Other types of lovers will dismiss ludus as not a kind of loving at all, but merely a game."

RESPONSE: Rather, I would ask, How well is this working for you? Is this approach to affiliative love helping you move toward developing your best self, or is it imposing barriers that make such development difficult or impossible? Based on empirical study of those who pursue this approach, we can assess its value as a style to follow. Lee suggests that ludus like every other approach to love he discusses is as good as any other. He thinks love style must be left to the personal preferences of the individual person. I don't accept this approach. It seems clear to me that Ludus is the love of the teenager, the person experimenting with relationships and exploring their own needs and reactions. This style of love when properly done seems very appropriate for the beginning lover, but seems totally inappropriate as a life-time style.

p. 64: "The self-satisfied ludic lover has a wide range of tastes, and any one partner who falls within that range is about as good as another. This substitutability of partners reflects the fact that a ludic lover has a much less specific ideal image of the beloved than is true of eros."

RESPONSE: It would seem to me that "a wide range of tastes" has much to recommend it as long as it leads one toward the development of their best self. However, part of this flexibility probably comes from the fact that the Ludic lover is not looking for a deep, committed, long term relationship. Therefore, it is only surface characteristics that are important. When they are ready to move from an exploratory, searching mode then they must move toward a more committed mode and be more focused in their concerns. At this time the individual will need assistance to gain insight into their own needs and how someone can fulfill these needs in a long-term way. For ideas on this see Chapter VIII.

p. 67: "Ludic respondents showed the lowest level of interest in the mutual study and improvement of sexual techniques and pleasure with their partners. Their attitude seemed to be that it is easier to find and bed a new partner who might prove more enjoyable than to spend time trying to work out sexual difficulties with a present partner."

RESPONSE: Which is basically the definition of a Ludic lover. However, when one has had enough experience in love relationships to be ready to settle down then they will need help like everyone else in understanding the adequacy of their efforts and improved ways to gain from and give to their partner.

p. 70: Manic Ludus: "When a lover alternates between a detached, devil-may-care attitude with the partner, and a worried, lovesick desire for more attention from the partner...."

RESPONSE: The above does not strike me as a healthy state to seek out and pursue. Persons in this state need help to move to a more satisfactory style.

p. 77: Storge: "A love without fever or folly, a feeling of natural affection such as you might have for a favorite brother or sister."

RESPONSE: Study of this style, like others, is needed to assess its long-term effects. Do persons adopt this style because they have not yet learned to expose their inner-most self, take risks, open themselves to their full range of feelings and all the other things that make up the Enlightened Person? More data will provide answers to help ensure that Storgic lovers, too, extract as much as possible from life.

p. 78: "The typical ludic lover avoids or controls intensity of feeling because they are consciously aware of its risks. The typical storgic lover is largely unaware of intense feeling."

RESPONSE: Intense feelings would seem a goal worthy of achieving. Perhaps, they come naturally with full integration of one's being. As we learn more about the characteristics of an Enlightened Person, we'll gain in understanding of the foregoing.

p. 79: "The storgic lover never consciously selects a love partner. They are not 'looking for love.' Instead, they select activities they enjoy, and thereby meet someone else with the same interests."

RESPONSE: I find the foregoing unbelievable. I'm willing to accept that there are some people who feel no need for a loving relationship at least at times in their life. But the other 99.999 percent of humanity must consciously be thinking about such a partner and considering how to make it happen much of the time. They may recognize that many of their needs can be fulfilled in friendships with persons they enjoy being around. And thereby be searching in a very low-key way. Certainly, surrounding oneself with people who share common interests provides a good basis for meeting someone and moving toward ever increasing forms of intimacy with them.

p. 80-81: "Storge is a companionate form of loving. Its goals are marriage, home and children. How nice to avoid all the silly conflicts and exhausting sentiments of other lovers, the storgic lover sighs....But to the would-be erotic or ludic partner, the storgic lover is a stick-in-the-mud, a stay-at-home, a bore, a drag...."

RESPONSE: I am willing to accept that there are different personality types (see Chapter XXVI) that genuinely describe different basic ways of being and which are of equal merit. Some persons may be innately more stuck-in-the-mud and others more spontaneous and thrill seeking. However, each of these approaches has value and advantages that a person seeking to become well-rounded might benefit from developing and utilizing. So, since persons can change, the important question is what is the direction of the most satisfying and sustaining changes?

The proof of the argument is in the data. Are these styles in fact truly satisfying? Do they lead one toward becoming their own best self, a Wise Person? If not, then change is necessary. One needs whatever it takes to help them move in the right direction.

p. 82: "Absence of impulsive emotions makes storge a hardy love, capable of surviving long dry-spells."

RESPONSE: Well developed impulse control would seem to be a natural result of a healthy personality. It would be something an Enlightened Person would automatically achieve. Any love style lacking it is evidence that this love style is not compatible with being an Enlightened Person. However, the issue of spontaneous vs. impulsive must be examined here and clarified to see which is actually being discussed. It's difficult to imagine an Enlightened Person who lacks spontaneity.

p. 85: "Most of my storgic respondents were incapable of sorting through a set of photographs to choose which physical appearances were their 'type'....Typically storgic lovers do not seem to construct an ideal physical image of a beloved."

RESPONSE: And at some level this seems healthy since physical appearance is a rather shallow foundation upon which to build a marriage, or satisfying love relationship.

p. 87: "The typical storgic lover is not a compulsively possessive lover. Taking the partner's commitment almost for granted, they will ignore potential rivals and refuse to believe that their partner could be unfaithful."

RESPONSE: This also strikes me as a desirable level to reach. Certainly jealousy, over-protection, etc. do not seem to be the characteristics of an Enlightened Person.

p. 88: "Enduring storgic love requires the development of a self-assurance in intimate relationships rather different from that of either eros or ludus. In eros, ego strength is expressed in the capacity to risk rapid and deep involvement with another person, and arises from a profound and searching knowledge of self. Ludic self-confidence is more dependent on external regulation through the rules of the game, because it rests on the less secure base of vanity and self defense in interpersonal relationships. Storgic self-confidence arises from a basic trust in one's family, friends and community."

RESPONSE: It seems to me that an Enlightened Person would combine both the approaches of Eros and Storge. The individual would have a profound self knowledge and faith in their personal power, while at the same time an abiding trust in the community and other people in general.

p. 90: Manic: Compound of Eros and Ludus. Its symptoms: "agitation, sleeplessness, fever, loss of appetite, heartache."

RESPONSE: The above doesn't sound like an ideal to pursue. However, see below (response to Lee's p. 106).

p. 92: "The manic lover seems possessed by some strange demon, or hypnotized by the beloved....Mania rarely ends happily. Few lovers go to extremes of disappointment such as suicide or violence, but most remain troubled by the experience for months, and even years, after."

RESPONSE: I would think that aid in developing a healthy personality, a reasoned goal for affiliative love, and support in connecting with appropriate partners would help individuals avoid this path while having experiences that would provide the self growth and depth sometimes achieved through manic love.

p. 97: "A scientific theory is useful if it helps us to explain, and ultimately to predict and control, real events."

RESPONSE: And, I would hope that a theory of affiliative love, backed by empirical evidence would be very useful. It would take love relationships out of the random, unsatisfying realm into a natural, fulfilling part of life. Since these connections are so important to the well being of an individual they deserve more social effort -- more support from society. Something similar to what is suggested in Chapter VIII.

p. 106: The positive side of manic love: "The extremes of manic emotion had enabled most respondents to realize for the first time how much they could care about another person."

"The transcendental power of manic love can lift you out of yourself. New talents may be discovered, new perspectives opened. You may even conclude that you could not have become a mature person without a manic experience."

RESPONSE: These learning experiences cannot be shrugged off. However, there may be other, more integrated, approaches that would achieve similar benefits. Possibly an extended virtual reality experience could combine the real-life learning in an environment that produces wisdom and growth. Something like the foregoing might avoid the potential for long-term depression and despair, and possibly suicide or murder that manic love harbors. At any rate it is a challenge worthy of consideration. Basically, this is one key problem of an Enlightened Community and an Enlightened Person. How do you provide the experience of the waste and pain of a Not-Yet-Enlightened Community without creating such an environment? What is needed is something more powerful than books and movies since at best they can only give one a superficial glimpse of the "bad old days." See Chapter VIII for some additional ideas on this.

p. 108: Ludic Eros: "Though the ludic-erotic respondents I interviewed did not consistently show a recollection of happy childhood, they certainly differed from the manic pattern of unhappy recollections of childhood. Even sharper was the contrast between manic discontentment with life at the time of the love encounter and the ludic-erotic lover's basic contentment."

p. 109: "Ludic-erotic love is no cakewalk, but an exacting tightrope balance between intensity and detachment." "Ludic-erotic lovers never become jealously possessive of their partner."(p. 112) "Ludic-erotic lovers are not prepared to commit themselves to a single, life-time relationship."(p. 115)

RESPONSE: And of course the question that must be asked is, How does this approach work out? Does it help the individual move toward becoming their best self or not? This style seems appropriate to the young person exploring love and exploring relationships. However, it hardly sounds like a style for anyone who has anything else in mind for their life.

p. 124: Pragma and Storgic Ludus:

"Pragmatic love doesn't have to be exciting or especially interesting or unusual. Nor is it casual and adventuresome, and certainly not uncommitted. Pragma is the love that goes shopping for a suitable mate, and all it asks is that the relationship work well, that the two partners be compatible, and satisfy each other's basic or practical needs."

RESPONSE: The above sounds worth further study in terms of how this impacts individual growth and development. On the surface it sounds like it has the potential to produce good effects. Can this approach be taught?

p. 133: "Pleasure, affection, and reciprocity of feelings in storgic ludus are sought and shown only when convenient in terms of the lover's more important commitments such as reputation, career, and marriage."

RESPONSE: But getting clear on our "most important commitments" is where help is necessary. This is where it would be very useful to have help available to determine when a potential relationship is one we should get involved in, or should avoid. And if we do get involved how to develop this relationship in a way that helps both persons move toward becoming Enlighteded Persons. For more see Chapter VII-B.

p. 139: Agape and Storgic Eros:

"Agape is 'gift love,' without ulterior motives and with no strings attached. It is completely altruistic and deeply compassionate."

p. 140: "The truly agapic lover gives the kind of loving which the beloved needs....[including] to step out of the beloved's life altogether and allow them to love and be loved by someone else."

"Unfortunately, I have yet to interview any respondent involved in even a relatively short-term affiliative love relationship which I could classify without qualification as an example of agape."

RESPONSE: My guess is that the primary reason for Lee's difficulty in finding agapic lovers, is that this category is based primarily on Western literature. Agape as Lee uses it is primarily a mystical, Christian conception of love which is in truth not directly related to real people and real human needs. This imposition of misguided, unearthly, theoretical models on Christians by their leaders has caused a problem in all parts of Western society. Because Christianity provided the values and world view that formed the foundation for Western society, all our social structures are misfocused. It's not surprising that these Christian concepts should cause similar problems in understanding affiliative love.

p. 147: "Storgic-erotic lovers are themselves aware of the tension between opposites implied by their approach to loving. They are both selfish and unselfish, particular and universal. In storgic eros, the opposing tendencies of eros and storge never quite resolve or 'jell' into a single, stable conception of true love."

p. 153: "Storgic-erotic lovers are quite conscious of being lovers and embrace the onlooker within the context of their mutual love."

RESPONSE: This seems to me to be a model well worth examining more closely. It might have many elements congruent with a SFLIHM. However, it sounds like at least initially a great deal of guidance would be needed in order to do it successfully.

p. 158: "Most love relationships will include a little bit of each primary...."

RESPONSE: And this seems a healthy and desirable situation. No love style seems satisfactory by itself. The ideal love style to achieve a SFLIHM would come out of properly combining them particularly as one goes from first loves to mature love.

p. 160: "Manic eros appeared to be a transitional stage. Each lover's account of their relationships indicate that they were moving either toward a more stable eros or toward full-blown mania."

p. 170: "...I am convinced that the most fundamental problem of love is the difficulty of achieving true mutuality."

RESPONSE: I am in basic agreement with the foregoing. And it seems to me this is the real challenge of a theory of affiliative love that would be congruent with a Science of Religion. The goal of working with Lee's ideas is to explore how people can be helped toward true mutuality. It seems to me that the broad outlines are clear, but the specifics will require a great deal of work from many persons in different areas of interest and research. See Chapter VIII for more ideas on this approach.

p. 180: "Just as the three primaries are irreducible to, and in fundamental opposition to, one another when in their purest form, I would expect any of the three compound secondaries to be unhappy with the other two."

RESPONSE: The above should normally be true since Lee's styles of affiliative love in fact describe patterns of conduct relative to romantic behavior. Each person presumably strives for some kind of consistency in what they do even though from the outside this consistency may on occasion not be obvious. Behavior "A" may appear to be inconsistent with behavior "B." In those cases it would only be within the framework of the individual's perspective that the inconsistency is resolved.

But it now seems clear to me that the goal for anyone seeking to achieve a SFLIHM is to put together the proper proportion of these different styles so that both partners can achieve the necessary satisfaction from the relationship while continuing to grow toward becoming their best self.

p. 181: "Many persons move through a love career just as many hold a succession of jobs. Since I have examined only a very few cases of lifetime development of love types, I cannot generalize on these. Here is one more topic for further research: However, certain patterns are already evident. The bitterness of a break-up after mania frequently leads to a ludic reaction....Lovers who have pursued a series of ludic-erotic or storgic-ludic or ludic affairs are often ready to settle, as age advances, for a pragmatic marriage. Disappointed erotic, manic-erotic and manic lovers frequently discover that a storgic relationship...becomes a soothing balm to disenchantment."

RESPONSE: And, it seems to me this is what we would expect. Part of the goal would be to help individuals understand cause and effect in affiliative love in order to move more directly toward what they need to achieve their best self. We must study persons to better understand, and help others understand, the consequences of the various styles of loving. However, I would expect that most couples would benefit from more wisdom (possibly using Choices Are Us, See VOLUME I, Chapter Two, "Other Support Organizations") in solving their problems. One problem is figuring out what they should be looking for in a relationship. Another is how two people can work together to give each other and themselves what they need. See Chapter VIII, "Finding a Partner to Love," for more on this.

p. 182: "It is possible for the same lover to mix different types of love simultaneously...by directing each at a different partner. As I warned earlier, it is an abbreviation to speak of a 'manic lover' or 'ludic lover' because we are only referring to their actions and ideas in relationship to a given love partner."

RESPONSE: And this is a critical piece of data. It helps us see the flexibility of love styles and their potential to mature with experience, opportunity, and understanding.

p. 186: "Considering all the complications of mixing and matching types of love, it is little wonder that many lovers hesitate to believe in the possibility of enduring mutuality....the problems of balancing two lovers in orbit around a common nuclei of intimate experiences still defy us."

RESPONSE: It seems clear to me that to achieve enduring mutuality must be difficult. However, coming to the problem from the proper perspective and with the best tools available would seem to vastly increase the odds of achieving success. First, it would have to be established (based on adequate research) that the two people share what is necessary to make a relationship work. Second, it would be necessary to provide the guidance necessary to help both persons navigate the steps necessary to move toward, or maintain, mutual satisfaction, and, third, it is necessary that in the process of doing all this the persons are helped to continue their movement toward becoming their best self.

p. 188: "Loving and making love are products of human civilization."

RESPONSE: And as civilization advances our methods of affiliative love must change in accordance with this advance. It appears to me that Lee's ideas on styles of love could best be seen as a teaching, learning tool. They help to assess areas of one's personality and understanding that need development and assistance to find the path toward affiliative love compatible with a SFLIHM state. These styles are basically in tune with our "tribal" propensities. To move on toward our "wisdom" potential would require the kind of development indicated throughout this chapter.

Since Lee makes clear that the style of love that exists in a given relationship is very much affected by the other person, it appears obvious that there is a great deal of flexibility. Therefore, with the proper kind of coaching and effort -- as well as therapy and counseling plus help in finding the proper partner -- one might establish affiliative relationships of the highest quality and value.

I think that Professor Lee's project, researching the ways persons can experience affiliative love, is extremely useful. However, based on what he has learned it appears that the most significant area related to his research remains to be developed. His results seem to suggest that the respondents adopted their styles of love out of ignorance. Take for example mania. Once a person has pursued this course, they work hard not to do it again (even though they may consider it an important experience in their life that they are better for having had.)

Ludus also strikes me as a kind of love that comes out of immaturity and lack of experience. To repeat relationships over and over and over that are inherently limited in their depth and development seems singularly self defeating. I must believe that as one develops as a person they would move to a different style of affiliative love.

Eros also has significant limitations. One is drawn to a person for reasons of which they are totally ignorant. They have a wild, fulfilling, but brief experience. They end the relationship when the passionate attraction that started the affair burns out. And burn out it must with such a superficial approach to love as is embodied in this approach. Then they repeat the cycle over and over and over with new persons.

Lee indicates that childhood experiences may be a factor in style of affiliative love. (Whether the person had a loving, nurturing childhood or an unhappy childhood.) To me childhood is something one can work through and get to a place where negative, hurtful experiences do not set the agenda for one's entire life. If this is the case, as one works through their childhood experiences they should be able to move toward the more mature, satisfying styles of love.

p. 219: Lee mentions the book THE IDEA OF LOVE (Robert Hazo, New York, Praeger, 1967). It was assembled by the American Institute for Philosophical Research. A team of researchers produced the foregoing work of almost 500 pages "to establish a systematic relationship between the idea of love -- or more accurately, the many, varying and conflicting ideas of love -- and other basic, related concepts of human thought such as benevolence, desire, judgement, sexuality and friendship. This analysis is one of the very few existing which does not assume that one or another of the competing definitions of love is more true than the others. But the extremely complex and abstract results of this research though a brilliant contribution to the discipline of philosophy, will be of little help to the ordinary lover looking for an adequate, workable, everyday definition of loving."

RESPONSE: Sounds like a resource worth studying.

p. 221: "Love is not merely complicated and difficult in our times. It is also terribly, vitally important to most of us. The achievement of happiness is most often defined in our media as success in love, and happy love is clearly not a human birthright. Indeed, when I review the love careers of many of my respondents, as well as those of acquaintances and colleagues -- and add my own frequent disappointments in love -- I have to conclude that happiness in love is a rare experience indeed. Yet modern social conditions seem to make the successful pursuit of love no less urgent than in any previous age. We are persons with a high degree of individuation, self-awareness and psychological intensity, and we can expect to live double the life span of our ancestors. Our cities are crowds of lonely and alienated people. For most of us, a love relationship is the last great adventure available, the last open frontier to explore. Professor Jerry Jacobs [2] found an intense love experience to be many of his adolescent suicide victim's last resort before they decided life just wasn't worth the agony."

RESPONSE: This is the formidable task of a Science of Ethics. To overcome these challenges and build an Enlightened Community is what must be done. To the degree that persons are in touch with their pain to that degree is it possible to involve them in a process to introduce changes. The goal is to produce changes that will make their life more rewarding. In the process their transformation will help improve the lives of all other persons. And in the process they must achieve glorious, rewarding love relationships.

p. 223: "We are bombarded daily by a bewildering variety of ideas and actions said to be the nature of love, yet few people consciously and knowledgeably select their personal conception of love and the appropriate actions for achieving it in reality."

RESPONSE: The foregoing situation will only change through much effort and excellent planning and development. See Chapter VII-B for some suggestions. But if processes that work can be developed the start of effects that will produce an ever widening area of change should be seen.

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1. COLOURS OF LOVE, John Alan Lee, New Press, Toronto, 1973.

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2. ADOLESCENT SUICIDE, Jerry Jacobs, University of California, Riverside, paper presented at Scarborough College, 1972.

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