wCHAP.9b2

(7/22/01)

CHAPTER IX. B.2 -- HOW TO KEEP A PARTNER

"WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL", CHAPTER FOUR:

"YOUR PRIVATE THOUGHTS BECOME CAST IN STONE"

P. 103: "It's hardly surprising that what you think about someone often determines how you'll treat them. But when it comes to marriage, this simple truth has huge consequences. The assumptions you make about your spouse and your relationship can determine the state of you marriage's health. Marital problems easily arise if your thoughts and feelings are distorted -- if your [inner thoughts]... reinforce a negative view of your partner and your marriage. The more entrenched the four horsemen become in your relationship, the more likely that your internal script will take on a decidedly negative tone. Once this occurs, you're at great risk for feeling so overwhelmed by the negativity that you enter the final leg of the marital rapids, what I call the 'Distance and Isolation Cascade.'"

If one's inner thoughts maintain distress rather than soothing it conflict will be escalated and negative thoughts reinforced. This will continue the couple's tumble down the marital rapids.

P. 104: "Because most of us trust our feelings and intuitions, it's not so easy to recognize when your inner script is distorted."

RESPONSE: This point has significance far beyond the marriage relationship. It is critical for anyone who would become an Enlightened Person. Each individual raised in a Not-Yet-Enlightened Community has many self destructive ideas, beliefs, experiences inserted into their brains which they accept as their own property -- as things worth dying for.

Until the person is able to see these things as enemies, not friends they will be stopped in their movement toward becoming their best self. In most cases this will require one step at a time. Rewards need to result all along the way reinforcing the changes and demonstrating their value. Once models are provided by those who have gone before these steps will be easier. Initially, only the rare person who has for whatever reasons been able to consider that many of their ideas are toxic -- even those that seem most true and beneficial -- will be able to form the vanguard to establish Wisdom Groups and explore how to develop the necessary structures and guidance.

P. 105: "We tend to have distressing thoughts when we're feeling angry, hurt, or misunderstood -- especially if the four horsemen have infiltrated our marriage."

"The couples I have studied were no exception. In one experiment, for example, we asked newlyweds to come back and watch videos of their conversations recalling for us what they were actually thinking during incidents in their marriage when they acted hostile, defensive, or withdrawn. The vast majority were having very distressing thoughts. When we looked closely at these thoughts we found that, amazingly, they fell into only two major categories: thoughts of innocent victim-hood or thoughts of righteous indignation. Some people expressed both at the same time."

THE INNOCENT VICTIM -- "If you are hit hard by the third horsemen, defensiveness, you are likely to have innocent-victim thoughts during fights with your spouse. The major emotion you probably feel then is fear, and you see your spouse as an attacking monster and yourself as put upon, unfairly accused, mistreated, unappreciated."

P. 106: "Thinking of yourself as an innocent victim has certain benefits (if it didn't, not so many people would do it!). By mentally freeing yourself of any responsibility for the conflict, you don't have to do any work to save your marriage. But that's exactly the problem with this way of thinking....for as long as you excuse yourself from repairing the relationship, your marital problems are unlikely to improve."

P. 107: "RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION -- This inner script is similar to the innocent victim, but also includes hostility and contempt toward your spouse for trying to victimize you. People who are hit hard by contempt, the second horseman, often have inner scripts filled with righteous indignation. They are hurt and angry and want revenge."

P. 108: "Obviously, these kinds of thoughts are hardly conducive to healing a marital rift. It may take a lot of courage and self-awareness to prevent yourself from falling into the righteous indignation or innocent-victim trap. The first step toward changing your inner script is to identify which of the two types of distress-maintaining thoughts you tend to have. To find out, take the following self-test soon after a spat:

"SELF-TEST: DISTRESS-MAINTAINING THOUGHTS

During our last discussion: (Answer each yes or no.)

1. I felt hurt.

2. I felt misunderstood.

3. I thought, 'I don't have to take this.'

4. I felt innocent of blame for this problem.

5. I thought to myself, just get out and leave.

6. I was scared.

7. I was angry.

8. I was worried.

9. I felt disappointed.

10. I wanted my feelings to get some attention here.

11. I felt unjustly accused.

12. I thought, 'My partner has no right to say those things.'

13. I felt let down.

14. I felt sad.

15. I was frustrated.

16. I felt personally attacked.

17. I wanted to strike back.

18. I felt like I was warding off a barrage.

19. I felt like getting even.

20. I wanted to protect myself.

21. I knew I was right.

22. I had a pretty low opinion of my partner's personality at the time.

P. 109: SCORING: Innocent-victims: 'Yes' to 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 18, 20? A score of 4 or more suggests you use this approach. Righteous-indignation: 'Yes' to 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10, 12, 15, 17, 19, 21, 22? A score of 4 or more suggest you tend to use this approach.

"If you scored high in either category (or both), you are rehearsing negative thoughts during conflict with your spouse. You can't change your mate's inner thoughts, but you can work on changing your own and on soothing both of you. This will make you feel less victimized and/or angry. Replacing your distorted negative script with a more realistic one won't happen overnight. But many couples have successfully done this and seen their marriage improve dramatically as a result."

P. 110: "FEELING FLOODED -- The worst consequence of a negative inner script is that it can lead to flooding. When this occurs you feel so overwhelmed by your partner's negativity and your own reactions that you experience 'systems overload,' swamped by distress and upset. You can become extremely hostile, defensive, or withdrawn. Once you're feeling this out of control, constructive discussion is impossible."

"In any intense exchange with a spouse, it's normal for some negative thoughts and feelings to arise. As long as they don't get too extreme, most people are able to handle them. We each have a sort of built-in meter that measures how much negativity accumulates during such interactions. When the level gets too high for you, the needle starts going haywire and flooding begins. Just how readily people become flooded is individual. A rare few of us have very high thresholds and can listen to their spouse express contempt for hours without feeling overwhelmed. This is especially common in volatile couples. Others feel flooded at the mere suggestion of a complaint, especially in avoidant couples. Flooding is also affected by how much stress you have outside the marriage...."

"Between those two extremes, the rate at which people become flooded seems to break down along gender lines. It may surprise you, but we find that men become flooded far more easily than women. This explains why men are more likely to be stonewallers. In essence, their withdrawal represents a last-ditch attempt to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed."

"But women are hardly immune to flooding."

P. 112: "How does it feel to be flooded? When people start to be flooded, they feel unfairly attacked, misunderstood, wronged, or righteously indignant. If you are feeling flooded, you may feel that things have gotten too emotional, that you just want things to stop, you need to calm down, or you want to run away. Or you may want to strike back and get even. You may feel you can't get your thoughts organized, or that this outburst of your partner's has come out of the blue, for no apparent reason. Typical thoughts of people being flooded include, 'Things were going along pretty well, when suddenly this mess happened,' or 'My partner is turning into a monster out to get me.'"

"The body of someone who feels flooded is a confused jumble of signals. It may be hard to breathe. People who are flooded inadvertently hold their breath. Muscles tense up and stay tensed. The heart beats fast and it may seem to beat harder. The flooded person longs for some escape and relief."

P. 114: "SELF-TEST: FLOODING (Answer yes or no.)

1. At times, when my partner gets angry I feel confused.

2. Our discussions get far too heated.

3. I have a hard time calming down when we discuss disagreements.

4. I'm worried that one of us is going to say something we will regret.

5. My partner gets far more upset than is necessary.

6. After a fight I want to keep away for a while.

7. There's no need to raise one's voice the way my partner does in a discussion.

8. It really is overwhelming when an argument gets going.

9. I can't think straight when my partner gets so negative.

10. I think, 'Why can't we talk things out logically?'

11. My partner's negative moods come out of nowhere.

12. When my partner's temper gets going there is no stopping it.

13. I feel cold and empty after one of our fights.

14. When there is so much negativity I have difficulty focusing my thoughts.

15. Small issues suddenly become big ones for no apparent reason.

16. I can never seem to soothe myself after one of our fights.

17. Sometimes I think that my partner's moods are just crazy.

18. Things get out of hand quickly in our discussions.

19. My partner's feelings are very easily hurt.

20. When my partner gets negative, stopping it is like trying to stop an oncoming truck.

21. All this negativity drags me down.

22. I feel disorganized by all this negative emotion.

23. I can never tell when a blowup is going to happen.

24. When we have a fight, it takes a very long time before I feel at ease again.

P. 115: SCORING: If you answered 'yes' to more than eight statements, this is a strong sign that you are prone to feeling flooded during conflict with your spouse. Because this state can be harmful to your marriage, it's important to let your spouse know how you are feeling. The antidote to flooding is to practice soothing yourself and your mate. This will help change how you perceive your partner's negative reactions. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by your spouse's angry tone or words, try to see them simply as an underliner -- a way for your partner to emphasize something he or she is feeling -- rather than as a personal attack."

THE BODY SPEAKS -- "One of our most exciting discoveries is evidence of a dramatic link between how our minds and bodies respond to marital upsets. In most of our studies, along with analyzing what couples say and how they say it, we have also measured their heart rates and other barometers of stress, such as how much they sweat and their adrenaline levels. This has given us compelling evidence of how and when flooding operates during marital conflict as well as its consequences for marriage."

P. 116: "So much has been written about stress that most of us are aware that it has a powerful physical component. Under duress we tend to release excess amounts of stress hormones such as adrenaline that lead the heart to beat faster, the sweat glands to work overtime, and respiration to speed up. These physical symptoms of stress create a feed-back loop with the anxiety-provoking thoughts and emotions we are experiencing. For example, you feel pressured by a work deadline, your heart starts racing, which just heightens your anxiety, making you think even more about the deadline, which raises your pulse even higher."

"This is exactly what seems to happen when you become flooded during a marital conflict. In a sense, your negative inner thoughts and your aroused nervous system goad each other on, making it all the more difficult to break out of the cycle of negativity. Once your physical arousal reaches a certain level it becomes virtually impossible to think calm, soothing thoughts or to appreciate your spouse's point of view."

"Under normal circumstances, the average man's resting heart rate or pulse is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), while a woman's is higher, about 82 BPM. My data suggest that when the heart rate goes up to about 80 BPM for a man and 90 BPM for a woman, the flooding process begins. At this level, physiological arousal makes it hard to focus on what the other person is saying, which leads to increased defensiveness and hostility. For either sex, if the heart rate skyrockets to 100 BPM, adrenaline is secreted in such large doses that it triggers a 'fight or flight' stress reaction, with intense fear or anxiety."

P. 119: "In our research we have come across a fundamental difference between how couples perceive their day-to-day interactions depending on whether or not they feel frequently flooded. In a stable marriage, where flooding is not a problem, the partners tend to view each other through 'rose-colored' glasses. They assume that each other's positive, admirable characteristics are an intrinsic part of their personality rather than occasional flukes....Happily married spouses view their marriage itself in the same glowing light that they see each other in. The good things about their relationship are considered stable and far-reaching while the bad patches or areas of tension are considered to be fleeting and situational."

"What a difference from a marriage in which at least one partner has become chronically flooded! Such couples seem blind to evidence of good things in the marriage and recognize only the bad. Negative expectations and assumptions about the spouse and the relationship become the norm. Any evidence of a positive nature is ignored or treated suspiciously."

P. 120: "Over time you become conditioned to look for and react to negatives in your spouse and your marriage. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: the more you expect and search for negatives, the more likely you are to find them, and to highlight their significance in your mind."

"THE DISTANCE AND ISOLATION CASCADE -- If flooding goes on unabated, the results for a marriage are disastrous. Flooding is the driving force behind the final Distance and Isolation Cascade. This cascade is comprised of four stages that people seem to go through in withdrawing from a marriage."

FIRST STAGE: YOU SEE YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS AS SEVERE.

"Most couples would admit that their union is far from perfect, but once you perceive your problems as virtually impossible-to-fix obstacles, you've turned a dangerous corner. Has your marriage reached this unfortunate point?"

SELF-TEST: HOW SEVERE IS THE PROBLEM? -- "This self-test is straightforward, to help you decide how severe you see your problems." Answer 'yes' or 'no' for the following statements:

1. My spouse and I have very severe communication problems.

2. I have very little faith that we are going to be able to resolve our problems.

3. The problems we have run very deep.

4. Things have gotten so complex that I'm not sure there is a solution.

5. Each of our problems has caused us a great deal of pain.

6. I doubt whether we can reconcile our differences.

7. It's going to be very hard for us to ever forgive one another for some of the hurt we have suffered.

8. There is a great deal of intensity to our problems.

9. We stand very little chance of ever having really good times together.

10. There is very little respect in this relationship.

11. I am not sure that we love each other.

12. There are 'wheels within wheels' to our problems -- they are so difficult to solve.

13. I have a sense of despair about our future together.

14. Sometimes I feel bitter about how things have gotten between us.

15. When it comes down to it, I am not sure I have very much hope."

P. 122: "SCORING: If you answered 'yes' to more than five of these questions, you have a very negative view of your marital difficulties. Most people who score at this level have unstable marriages that are either hostile/engaged, meaning there's a great deal of negativity but you still interact, or hostile/detached meaning the hostility has reached such huge proportions that you avoid each other as much as possible. As long as you see your problems as severe, you may be stymied in your attempts to resolve them."

"SECOND STAGE: TALKING THINGS OVER WITH YOUR SPOUSE SEEMS USELESS. Not only do you perceive your marriage as very troubled but you also feel hopeless about being able to salvage it by communicating with your mate. Rather, you look for solutions on your own ('I'll try to be nicer to him,' 'I'll ignore her insults.') You may, for example, decide to avoid certain kinds of interactions with your spouse, or try to convince yourself that you're not upset by your spouse's actions when you really are. The following self-test will help you see whether your marriage has reached this stage."

"SELF-TEST: CAN YOU WORK THINGS OUT? (Answer 'yes' or 'no.':)

1. Talking things over with my partner only seems to make them worse.

2. I'd rather just keep things to myself.

3. I am a very private person about my feelings.

4. When I'm in a bad mood I'd much rather just go off by myself.

5. I don't see much point in discussing my troubles with my partner.

6. Talking about our problems only gets them more muddled.

7. There are some people you just can't talk to and my partner's one of those.

8. I'd rather try to work out our marital problems alone.

9. Our conversations about our problems never seem to get anywhere.

10. I don't place a lot of faith in delving into my problems with my spouse.

11. I have given up on trying to talk things out.

12. I don't see any potential gain in trying to talk things over with my partner.

SCORING: If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these statements, you've given up on working things out with your spouse. This attitude almost inevitably leads to the next step in the Distance and Isolation Cascade."

P. 123: "THIRD STAGE: YOU START LEADING PARALLEL LIVES

Although the couple may live together, they rarely connect."

P. 124: "SELF-TEST: DO YOU LEAD PARALLEL LIVES? (Answer 'yes' or 'no.')

1. We don't eat together as much as we used to.

2. Sometimes it seems we are roommates rather than a married couple.

3. We have fewer friends in common than we used to.

4. We seem to do a lot more things separately.

5. It seems that we have fewer and fewer interests in common.

6. Sometimes we can go for quite a while without ever talking about our lives.

7. Our lives are more parallel than connected.

8. We often don't talk about how our separate days went.

9. We don't spend very much time together anymore.

10. We spend a lot of our free time apart.

11. We don't set aside much time just to talk.

12. I don't think that we know each other very well anymore.

13. We don't have dinner together very much anymore.

14. We rarely go out on dates together.

15. A lot of our good times these days are with people other than each other.

16. We seem to be avoiding each other.

17. We are like two passing ships, going our separate ways.

P. 125: If you answered 'yes' to five or more of the statements, then you may well be leading parallel lives. Realizing that the situation has deteriorated to this extreme is the first step toward rediscovering each other."

"FOURTH STAGE: LONELINESS -- Officially, you are still married. But you feel so isolated that there's little difference between your marriage and living alone. Loneliness is one of the most painful human conditions. There's a tragic irony in feeling this way in a marriage, which is supposed to offer love and companionship. People who reach this point don't necessarily divorce. But unless they seek each other out, and in most cases get professional help, the marriage is for all intents over. Again, the questions may seem obvious, but this test can clarify your sense of just how lonely you are.

SELF-TEST: HOW LONELY IS YOUR MARRIAGE? (Answer 'yes' or 'no.')

1. Marriage is a lot lonelier than I thought it would be.

2. We're not as close as I wish we were.

3. I feel an emptiness in this marriage.

4. I often feel bored when we do things together.

5. I feel very restless and sad even when we're together.

6. Lots of times I don't know what to do with myself.

7. At times I feel bored and restless in this marriage.

8. I long for someone I can be close to.

9. I feel so lonely it hurts.

10. Something is missing from my marriage.

11. I wish people would call me more often.

12. I often wish I had someone to be with.

13. I don't feel that I'm an important part of someone's life.

14. I don't feel that I belong to anyone.

15. I often feel emotionally isolated.

16. I feel abandoned in this marriage.

17. There is no one I can turn to.

18. I often feel left out.

19. No one knows me.

20. No one understands me.

21. There is often no one I can talk to.

22. I often feel a great need for companionship.

23. I have become very withdrawn in this marriage.

24. I feel disconnected.

P. 127: SCORING: If you answered 'yes' to eight or more of the questions, you may have reached the end of the Distance and Isolation Cascade. Feeling lonely in marriage makes you vulnerable to having an affair, if this hasn't already occurred. Research suggests that it also makes you more likely to become ill, especially if you are male. The first step toward finding each other again is to admit to your spouse how you're feeling. Simple admission like 'I miss you,' 'I feel needy all the time,' or 'This is a dangerous situation for our marriage and my health' can start you on the journey back. You'll find more detailed information on undoing the damage wrought by the Distance and Isolation Cascade [later]...."

"REWRITING HISTORY -- Even after reading this far, you may not have a clear sense of whether your marriage is teetering on the brink. There is one more important bit of evidence that can help you assess where you stand. Through my research on couples I have found that nothing foretells a marriage's future as accurately as how a couple retells their past. The crucial factor is not necessarily the reality of a marriage's early days but how husband and wife currently view their joint history."

"...[P]utting a negative spin on your past is an early warning sign that your marriage is in trouble. Rewriting history may begin well before you become aware that your marriage is in serious danger. That's why it's so helpful to be aware of how you view your marital history."

P. 128: "I believe that there are a handful of specific factors related to how couples recall their past that may cumulatively predict their future. The most important of these factors are:

Chaos vs. a Sense of Control. Couples who later divorced tended to look back on their early days as a time of great, confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety. Whatever the reality, they viewed their coming together as a stressful, almost haphazard occurrence, rather than one motivated by commitment and joy."

P. 129: "Couples who recall their early days as chaotic often say that external events controlled their lives. For example, a couple may recall that they got married for financial reason, or because of pregnancy."

"Disappointment vs. Glorifying the Struggle. All marriages go through hard times. But some couples look back at their earlier difficulties with pride that they were able to surmount the obstacles together. Others seem dragged down by the crises and feel that their early days were a time of disillusionment."

P. 130: "The other three factors that are important clues to future divorce concern the husband more than the wife. This may be because, in general, men tend to display signs of marital distress earlier and more intensely than do women. Therefore, they may be more intent on rewriting history.

P. 131: "We-ness vs. Separate Lives. The more the husband framed his marital history as a joint undertaking, the more likely the couple was to remain happily married in the future."

"Expansiveness. It was also a healthy sign if the husband remembered specifics about how he felt about his future wife and their courtship. It was a bad sign if he didn't."

"Affection. Husbands in stable marriages tended to speak about their wives fondly, to take pride in them. In marriages that would later fail, husbands didn't express these positive feelings."

P. 132: "SELF-TEST: TELLING YOUR STORY (Answer 'yes' or 'no' to all questions in Part A and Part B.)

PART A:

1. I am genuinely fond of my partner.

2. I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.

3. I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.

4. I am physically attracted to my spouse.

5. My partner has some specific qualities that make me proud.

6. I feel a genuine sense of 'we' as opposed to 'I' in this marriage.

7. We have the same general beliefs and values.

8. My spouse is my best friend.

9. I get lots of support in my marriage.

10. My home is a place to come to get support and reduce stress.

11. I can easily recall when we first met, the marriage proposal, and our wedding.

12. We divide up household chores in a fair way.

13. We have planned things out and have had a sense of control over our lives together.

14. I am proud of this marriage.

15. There are things I don't like about my partner, but I can live with them.

16. Marriage is a struggle, but it's been worth it.

PART B:

1. I feel cynical about my marriage.

2. When I think of my own marriage, I can think of lots of sarcastic things to say about the institution of marriage.

3. I have a lot of criticisms of my partner.

4. Our lives are very separate.

5. Our beliefs and values are very different.

6. I don't think of this marriage as a 'we.'

7. I don't really have a sense of trust in my partner.

8. The stresses of my life just get added to at home.

9. I have only vague memories of our first meeting, the marriage proposal, and our wedding.

10. It seems like problems have beset this marriage throughout.

11. It seems like we have had very little control over our lives.

12. I feel disillusioned and disappointed in my marriage.

13. Marriage is not what I thought it would be.

14. My partner's faults are basically unacceptable to me.

15. Things are very unequal in this marriage.

16. When you come down to it, my marital struggles have been pretty meaningless.

SCORING: Subtract your total score for Part B from your total score for Part A. If your final score is six or above, this suggests that you have a mostly positive view of your marital history. That's an excellent sign for your relationship's prospects."

"If your score is lower than six, it's clear your feelings of admiration, fondness, and solidarity with your spouse have dwindled to dangerous levels. Remember that how you view your history together may be the most powerful predictor of your marriage's future."

P. 135: "NOW WHAT -- Much of my research on marriage has attempted to solve the mystery of why positivity triumphs in some marriages while negativity overruns others. When two couples start out equally in love and optimistic about the future, why do their paths diverge so dramatically? For one couple the promise turns to despair as they watch their marriage be consumed by chaos, loneliness, mistrust, and hopelessness. They feel under attack by their spouse and think of him or her as the enemy. They even recast their past to fit this new, sad reality. The other couple finds that their interest and involvement in each other deepens over the years, as does their fondness, hope, affection, admiration, and sense of commitment and togetherness. When this couple looks back on their past, they glorify it -- even times of struggle are now viewed as triumphs."

"The key to these couples' disparate fates, I believe, is not necessarily that one couple started off more compatible than the other. Yet somehow the happy couple learned to navigate expertly through the rocky times that any marriage encounters. Because of that, the four horsemen never overrode their relationship and they were able to avoid barreling down the marital cascades. As a result, they never lost the 5-to-1 ratio in favor of the positive that keeps a couple stable, whether they settle into a volatile, validating, or avoidant style."

"All of this suggests that there is hope even for couples who are in despair over the state of their marriage. By understanding why distance has grown between you and your spouse, you can begin to recover the goodness that exists under all of the layers of hurt, mis-understanding, and loneliness. The following chapters offer advice on how to salvage your marriage. The first step is to understand the different histories and needs that men and women usually bring to an intimate relationship. The next is to communicate with love and understanding during the bad times -- and then to keep working together even after your marriage improves."

P. 137: CHAPTER FIVE: THE TWO MARRIAGES: HIS AND HERS

"By now you probably have a clear idea of how marriages can slide from good to bad to worse to divorce. But there remains one crucial force behind this marital cascade that we haven't yet explored: the dramatic and fundamental differences between men and women. For complex reasons, rooted in a combination of biology and socialization, the genders tend to view the world of relationships very differently."

"Though traditionally described as less assertive in the world at large, in marital relationships women tend to be the emotional managers. They are usually better attuned than men to the changing emotional climate in their relationships and more willing to confront problems."

P. 139: "Men are by and large reluctant to dive head first into emotional issues. But why? Much of the answer seems to lie in the vast gulf between what men and women learn about intimacy as children. In a nutshell, boys typically are not taught the skills necessary to navigate through the shifting emotional tides of an intimate relationship while girls are given intense schooling on the subject....Add to this some compelling evidence that men also have a stronger physiological reaction to certain emotions than do women and it becomes easy to understand why the world of feelings is by and large outside most mens' comfort zone."

"The fundamental emotional differences between the sexes also help explain why there are certain common areas of conflict in most marriages: namely, how often the couple has sex and who does how much housework and child care."

"But research into what men and women bring to their marriages points to good news as well: There are specific actions you can take to ensure that your differences enrich rather than harm your relationship. The first and most essential step is to understand where the dissimilarities between men and women originate. Like most emotional patterns, the roots of marital discord may be found in childhood."

P. 140: "...our upbringing couldn't be a worse training ground for a successful marriage."

"The first problem for future marriages arises in preschool when boys and girls begin to play separately....In a door-to-door survey, we found that 36 percent of preschoolers said they had playmates of the opposite sex. By kindergarten, only 23 percent still did. And by second grade such friendships were almost nonexistent....Because of this preference, boys and girls grow up in parallel universes where most of the emotional rules are different. This may be where the trouble between the sexes begins."

"Why do children voluntarily segregate themselves by gender? The tendency may be partly biological in origin. Boys are more aggressive. Universally they love rough-and-tumble play....Girls usually prefer quieter games... which they tend to play in small group.... Girls typically see boys as annoying, noisy creatures, while boys see the way girls play as just plain boring."

P. 141: "This avoidance between the genders from the early school years until young adulthood can have disastrous consequences when love finally blooms. After all, how can a man and woman be expected to easily form and maintain a lifelong romance after a childhood of virtual segregation?"

"Even if boys and girls did play more closely together as children (as some do), a wide gulf would still remain between them by the teen years and beyond. This is because they tend to have very different emotional communication styles from early on. You can see this disparity in what children consider important when they are playing. Usually, boys care most about the game, while girls care most about the relationship between the players."

P. 142: "There is certainly a positive side to this emotional management. At times it does make sense to subordinate feelings to getting a job done. But in the realm of marriage, a man's tendency to contain uncomfortable emotions -- and avoid his wife's -- becomes a decided handicap."

"Very quickly, boys are trained to hide their feelings behind a mask of apparent indifference while girls are left much more leeway."

P. 143: "From early childhood, boys learn to suppress their emotions while girls learn to express and manage the complete range of feelings. Small wonder that by the time they grow up, meet, and marry, men and women are so often at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the importance they place on expressing feelings. A man is more likely to equate being emotional with weakness and vulnerability because he has been raised to do rather than to voice what he feels. Meanwhile, women have spent their early years learning how to verbalize all kinds of emotions."

P. 144: "Ideally, through marriage men and women learn from each other's strengths -- a wife can help guide her husband toward accepting and expressing his feelings while a husband can help his wife see the benefits of action and 'keeping the ball in play,' which her upbringing may not have emphasized. But sometimes, the differences between men and women become a bane rather than a benefit in marriage....In a happy marriage, a couple can usually sort out these differences. But in an unstable marriage where negativity has the upper hand, these two emotional styles can clash wildly, feeding the four horsemen."

"...boys have greater trouble than girls recovering from strong upsets like sadness and anger. Perhaps because it is more difficult for young boys to control their natural aggressive feelings, they get many more messages than do girls that emotional expression is bad."

P. 145: "This is the key emotional difference between men and women: men grow up having a harder time recovering from upset, being told to suppress feelings, and learning to avoid them. But women recover more easily, were encouraged to value expressing feelings, and learned to express and explore them."

"...[M]en tend to have shorter fuses and longer-lasting explosions than women, leaving them more vulnerable to stress. We've seen this in our own laboratory: during difficult marital discussions, a man's blood pressure and heart rate will rise much higher and will stay elevated longer than his wife's."

P. 147: "There are two primary explanations for these physiological differences between the sexes. First, the male's autonomic nervous system, which controls much of the body's stress response, may be more sensitive and take far longer to recover from emotional upset than does the average female's. I'm not implying that women are 'invulnerable' to marital stress, but that compared with men it may take more intense conflict before women experience its harmful effects. This may explain why women are so much readier than men to dive directly into potentially explosive issues."

"Second, men may be more reactive because even when they withdraw from an argument they are more likely to repeat negative thoughts that keep them riled up.... Compared with a woman, it seems to be much harder for a man to relax his guard...."

"The most disastrous result of these physiological differences for marriage is that men are far more likely than women to be stonewallers -- and destructive stonewallers -- when tension builds. The male tendency to stonewall is hardly surprising. We have found repeatedly that men get flooded far faster during a tense marital exchange than do their wives. In fact, it often takes only the arrival of the first horsemen -- criticism -- to flood men. For women, it usually takes at least contempt, the second horsemen, to cause severe distress. Since men are more biologically reactive to stress, they are more likely to need to protect themselves by withdrawing. Add to that the lesson learned over and over again in boyhood that they should suppress their aggression and anxiety and it's no wonder that 85 percent of stonewallers are men."

"Although stonewalling may protect a man from stress, it creates enormous stress in his wife...."

P. 148: "Men avoid emotional conflicts by going off by themselves, and as long as the withdrawal doesn't lead to prolonged periods of loneliness, they usually feel just fine about it."

P. 149: "In general, it may be more desirable biologically for women to get issues aired and settled and for men to avoid them. Thus, you probably find you and your spouse have somewhat incompatible approaches to dealing with your marital problems, even if you are firmly ensconced in a stable marriage. Even in good marriages, there's always a degree of inequity, with the woman typically the couple's emotional captain....[The] husband is more likely to be rational and placating, and to minimize problems even if he doesn't withdraw from them. And if your relation-ship begins to sink under the stress of an unhappy marriage, these gender differences can become exaggerated, making matters much worse."

"In fact, we find that, by and large, in happy marriages there are no gender differences in emotional expression! But in unhappy marriages all the gender differences we've been talking about emerge: Men are more defensive, men try to keep emotions on a neutral track but women don't; men are the big stonewallers, withdrawing from the negative emotions of their wives because they are more easily flooded. And the men's withdrawal and defensiveness just fan the flames of their wives' frustration."

"There are several ways that these differences between men and women can propel a tumble down the marital rapids. Here's a summary of the most common gender-related problems I've seen in marriages."

P. 150: "Husbands and wives tend to have different and very specific grievances as the marital cascades get underway. Husbands gripe about the wives' complaining, criticizing, and emotionality.... Wives' grievances mainly concern their husbands' emotional withdrawal...."

"Men are more likely to be 'too rational' and downplay emotions."

"Women are more likely to complain about and criticize their spouse.... Because men are so vulnerable to feeling flooded, a wife's criticism can easily cause the husband to withdraw. The wife is then likely to interpret his response as a rejection of her...."

P. 151: "Many couples fall into the demand/withdraw cycle in which the wife demands more emotional confrontation, causing the husband to withdraw even more, which escalates the wife's demands....This cycle must be broken if conflict-engaging marriages are to avoid dissolution."

P. 152: "A wife, upon noticing that her husband is withdrawing during a tense conversation, often feels that she must raise the intensity of the interaction to keep him responsive."

P. 153: "When a wife gets completely engulfed in emotion she will often start 'kitchen-sinking' -- bringing up all sorts of past and present complaints and mixing them with sarcasm and contempt. This tactic, of course, overloads the husband, causing further withdrawal."

P. 154: "MARITAL HOTSPOTS: SEX AND HOUSEWORK -- Although gender differences can lead to a wealth of marital troubles, two conflicts occur so frequently they merit special mention: how frequently the couple has sex and who does more housework. Although these are just two among countless issues that can lead to marital flare-ups, they are so important when it comes to differences between the sexes -- and both men and women need insights into the other's view -- that I feel compelled to give some advice."

"Men usually do want more sex than women....For many teenage boys and men, there are no emotional prerequisites for having sex because closeness is the goal, not the cause, of a sex act."

"In contrast, women by and large need to feel physical and emotional closeness and tenderness before wanting to have sex. Making love confirms intimacy rather than creates it for most women....Such differences can make women pull away from sexual expression in their marriages, leading to serious marital trouble."

"What can be done about this problem? The major advice here is for men. Learn to empathize with your wife's prerequisites for sexual intimacy."

"Housework may seem like a trivial concern compared to sexuality, but women see it as a major issue affecting their sex life, as well as the overall quality of their marriage."

"If you are a husband who is now saying, 'Not me. I do my fair share,' you need to take a really good look at how much you actually do around the house....One study showed that men who claim to support feminist ideas only do an average of four minutes more housework each day than traditional men with openly 'macho' belief systems. That adds up to scrubbing one pot or vacuuming one rug."

P. 157: "So what's the solution? Psychologists Claire Rabin and Pepper Schwartz have found that when wives and husbands make what they both feel is a successful effort to divide chores fairly, both spouses benefit. Inequities in housework and child care have profound consequences for the marital satisfaction of women, which has to affect the quality of the marriage for the man as well."

P. 158: "Men would be well advised to be vigilant for inequities in child care and housework, and to ask their wives if there is a problem -- women are unlikely to bring it up until their mounting frustration leads to an explosion."

P. 159: "The most important advice I can give to men who want their marriages to work is to try not to avoid conflict. Sidestepping a problem won't make it go away -- on the contrary, leaving the conflict unresolved will just upset your wife more. Realize that she needs to talk about what's eating at her to keep the relationship working smoothly....If you stay with her through this discomfort and listen to her criticisms rather than insisting that she's exaggerating or getting hysterical over nothing, she will calm down. If you stonewall and refuse to listen, she'll be edgy and may escalate the conflict, making it more likely that you'll wind up feeling flooded."

P. 160: "...you [don't] have to 'give in' to all of your wife's criticisms. But you should always respect her opinion and try to understand what she's saying rather than reacting like you're on automatic pilot."

"Above all, remember that your wife really cares about your relationship. That's why she keeps confronting you. She wants the two of you to resolve your problems together. If you want your marriage to work, you have to be willing to take your wife as she comes -- including what may seem like her trivial criticisms of you."

"In our culture, women still bear the major responsibility for raising issues in a marriage. But you need to try to do so in a calm and gentle manner; otherwise your husband is likely to withdraw. Don't take it personally if he tries to prematurely derail an important conversation by, for example, changing the subject. It's important to make him face up to conflicts between you, but let him know you are not attacking him."

P. 161: "When you do criticize your husband, remember to tell him you still love him and that you just want him to change a certain behavior."

"Finally, the best advice I can give both of you is to accept your differences. For biological and cultural reasons, you can't ever expect the opposite sex to completely understand who you are and what you want. There really are two marriages: his and hers. But by appreciating and respecting your basic dissimilarities these two marriages can coexist in a supportive, harmonious union."

P. 162: CHAPTER SIX -- YOUR MARRIAGE: THE DIAGNOSIS

"By now you have taken tests that analyze your marriage in several key areas. Seeing clearly where the fault lines and shaky points are in your relationship is the first step in making your marriage stronger. Just as the results from a blood test give you a profile of what's healthy and what needs attention, so do these tests of your marriage. In the following chapter I'll suggest remedies -- some very specific to these diagnoses, others general enough that most every couple will benefit from them."

"YOUR MARRIAGE: A DIAGNOSTIC CHECKLIST -- Summarize the diagnosis of your marriage by checking any of the areas in which there is a problem." (Answer 'yes' or 'no' for you and for your partner.)

"Marital Style (test on page 51): Do differences exist between you and your partner in what style of conflict resolution to have -- Avoider? Validator? Volatile?

Page 163. Love and Respect (test on page 63): Is there enough in your marriage?

The Four Horsemen: Do you or your partner have problems with any of the four horsemen:

Criticism? (test on page 77)

Contempt? (test on page 81)

Defensiveness? (test on page 90)

Stonewalling? (test on page 96)

Distress-Maintaining Thoughts (test on page 108): Is the 'innocent-victim' pattern characteristic of your thoughts?

Is the 'righteous indignation' pattern characteristic of your thoughts? (test on page 108)

The Distance and Isolation Cascade: Where do you stand on the distance and isolation cascade? Flooded? (test on page 114)

Do you think your marital problems are severe? (p. 121)

Do you think it isn't worth talking things over with you partner? (test on page 122)

Have you already arranged your lives in parallel? (test on page 124)

Are you lonely in your marriage? (test on page 125)

Your marital history (test on page 132): What do you tell yourself about the history of your marriage?

Are you feeling more negative than positive about your marriage?"

P. 173: CHAPTER SEVEN -- "THE FOUR KEYS TO IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE -- In the last chapter I asked you to summarize your marital profile in the areas where couples most often have problems. In this chapter I am going to tell you what you can do about them. Of course these problems are related, and several are consequences of others. So while some problems have specific antidotes, many respond to the same remedies."

"By now it's probably clear to you that I believe some conflict and disagreement are crucial for a marriage's long-term success....in a sense a marriage lives and dies by what you might loosely call its arguments, by how well disagreements and grievances are aired. The key is how you argue -- whether your style escalates tension or leads to a feeling of resolution."

"...[T]here are only four crucial strategies that you need to utilize in order to break through most of the negativity. If you can put them to use, your marriage is almost certain to improve dramatically...."

P. 175: "The major goal is to break the cycle of negativity and give whatever natural repair mechanisms you already have in your repertoire a chance to work. There are four key strategies for accomplishing this goal."

"...(1) how to calm yourself so that flooding doesn't block your communication; (2) how to speak and listen nondefensively so that your discussions or disagreements will be more productive; (3) how to validate each other as well as your relationship even (or especially) when the going gets tough; (4) how to overlearn these principles so that your new skills become almost second nature."

"For starters, make an agreement with your partner to limit discussions of disagreements to fifteen minutes at a sitting. Set a kitchen timer. If you decide to go for longer at the end of fifteen minutes, add only another fifteen minutes."

Then Gottman provides detailed, in-depth explanations on how to master each of these four strategies.

P. 201: "If you practice, practice, practice these skills you will have gone a very long way toward improving your marriage. It has been my experience that these four principles -- calming down, communicating nondefensively, validating, and overlearning -- are all that most marriages need in order to get back on track. I believe this is even true of marriages that have been almost completely subsumed by negativity. I don't mean to imply that you will see changes overnight, or that transforming your marriage will be easy. But if you are motivated, work hard, and don't let every setback discourage you, over time you will find your marriage a far happier place to be."

P. 202: CHAPTER EIGHT -- "STRENGTHENING THE FOUNDATIONS: The foundation of a lasting marriage rests on two kinds of bedrock: agreeing with your spouse on which style for handling disagreements you both can live with, and a large dose of positivity. This chapter gives you some final advice on these essential ingredients."

Gottman provides clear and explicit directions for achieving the above goals. He points out that "different types of stable marriages face different risks" (p. 204) and gives simple pointers on dealing with these risks.

P. 225: "...stable marriages become even stronger in the telling of the tale. Stable couples' stories serve to bolster their faith in one another and their union." Then Gottman provides ideas to help couples to integrate this approach into their marriage.

P. 228: "I've stressed three simple ideas in this chapter: love, respect, and a sense of the value of your history together. If your marriage is utterly lacking in these -- if you find it difficult to find much to admire in your spouse, or if you basically feel unrespected, if you find it hard to feel affection for your spouse, if you feel uncared for and unloved, and if when you look back on your marriage, it all seems pointless and wasted -- then you ought to seriously consider ending your marriage."

"Your options are to stick it out in spite of your feelings, to try to change your marriage, or end it. But before you make a leap of despair and end it, consider whether your bleak outlook might be because of something in your relationship that could be changed. That may be the case, but you may be so far down the marital cascades that you can't do it on your own. If you find you are extremely frustrated in trying the strategies for marital change described in this book, you may need professional help from a marital therapist. There is nothing at all wrong with getting this help. After all, your problems were not created overnight, and it is unreasonable to think that you can instantly turn around problems that have a long history. If you feel completely stuck, getting help is smart. I encourage you to seek professional help with problems that are too hard to solve on your own, and to use this book in tandem with marital therapy."

P. 229: "Sadly, it could also be the case that your marriage is simply beyond repair. One sign of this may be if you or your spouse cling to feelings of bitterness, hurt, and anger that are inconsolable. You or your spouse may be holding on to bitterness, as if to say, 'What you did to me is so bad I won't ever forgive it and go on. I won't let myself be consoled.' If there is such bitterness in your marriage, it makes it extremely difficult to change things. Changing your marriage requires commitment to do so from both you and your spouse. Without that the task may be impossible."

"Knowing when a marriage is over is also important. Not all couples should stay together, and sometimes separation or divorce is a better alternative to continued conflict, depression, loneliness, and despair."

"If you do decide to divorce, remember that most people who do so eventually remarry. My hope is that, if you do begin again, you will use the insights in this book to build a strong and healthy emotional partnership from the start."

P. 229: "I hope by now you have a clear sense of how marriages can continue to thrive throughout the years, and what you can do if yours seems to be ailing. Anyone who has experienced an unhappy marriage knows how painful and demoralizing it can be. But please remember that many marriages are salvageable even when they seem most hopeless."

"If your marriage is in trouble, there are any number of other marriage manuals or counselors you can turn to for help. Some of their advice will be sound, some of little value. What makes the information in this book unique is that it is based on actual, intensive scientific study of hundreds of couples. My goal has been to share with you what I have learned from my research about why some marriages fail while others thrive, and to show you how to use the wisdom we have gathered to save or improve your own union."

P. 230: "When things get complicated between you and your spouse -- when every conversation becomes subsumed by nasty argument, broken records, wheels within wheels, or cold silence -- the solution isn't necessarily complicated. Many people in troubled marriages will say, 'We just can't communicate' or 'We're not on the same wavelength.' But almost all adults (including your spouse!) are able to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts, as evidenced by their ability to make friends, work well with others, and have satisfactory relations with their neighbors. So why does communication in marriage become so difficult? The answer is that the more overwhelmed by negativity your relationship becomes, the less access either of you has to your natural talents for resolving differences."

"A certain degree of negativity is crucial to a marriage. Without it, a marriage will surely deteriorate over time. But when the negativity level gets too high, the marriage inevitably suffers. I hope this book has helped you see how excess negativity can slowly infiltrate even a very happy marriage, creating blocks between a loving husband and wife before they realize what is happening. Remember that there are proven antidotes if your relationship is becoming overwhelmed by negativity. The first is to keep the four horsemen at bay by avoiding being critical, contemptuous, defensive, or stonewalling during disagreements. Be aware of negative inner thoughts, which can become entrenched into an ongoing mental script as the four horsemen settle in. Recognize when you or your spouse has become flooded, and give your body time to calm down before continuing a difficult discussion. Learn to listen and to speak nondefensively. Make sure your day-to-day lives include a good deal of validation and other expressions of love and respect. Most of all, work hard to overlearn all of the skills I have just mentioned. Validation and healthy approaches to resolving conflict need to become second nature so they won't abandon you when you need them most."

"I do believe that by mastering these skills you can stop or prevent your relationship from tumbling down the cascade toward marital breakdown. Instead, you will naturally settle into one of the three stable marital styles my research has uncovered: volatile, validating, or avoidant. You will be able to look back at your marital history with pride -- glorifying in the struggles you went through as a couple (including the rocky times that may have led you to this book!) and will look toward the future with happy anticipation."

P. 231: "Wherever your marital journey takes you, I wish you years of joy and pleasure together -- spiced with just enough negativity to keep your marriage strong."

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1. WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL, John Gottman, Simon & Schuster, New York, 1994.

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